Human Administered Mini-Death

XY
Photo by SB

Yesterday I started a series on experiencing types of death while living. I had a dream where I died. Usually those dreams end there, but the dream went on with me being dead. This got me to thinking about times in life when we may experience aspects of being dead.

Dr. L shared her experience of drowning in the comments section. Z shared his experience of being so sick that death was desired. I think everyone who has lived a bit has had experiences related to their own death from around the edge. All these experiences show us different aspects of death. Mine was a dream, Dr. L's was actually dieing and coming back and Z's was being so ill as to desire death.

I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was fifteen. Since they were impacted and had not emerged through my gums, the orthodontist had to operate to get them out. I watched him set up the IV and flinched when the anesthetist stuck me. He then took a syringe and started pushing the anesthetic through the tubes and into me. We started chatting about high school and he asked if I was getting sleepy. Not a bit. I then watched him start to push the plunger and did not see him finish.

I remember slowly coming out of it in a recovery room. They got me up and walked me around a little and let me sit again. My mom got the prescription slips and we left. I could not feel any pain and did not believe they had done anything to me. I tried asking Mom why they didn't operate and almost choked on the gauze in my mouth.

As I sobered up I tried to remember the operation and nothing came to me. I could see the anesthetist push the plunger and that was all I could recall. Mom said they worked on me for over an hour. I could not believe her.

In my mind, I had been out for less than a minute. Most of that minute I remember was during my coming out. It disturbed ( and still bothers me) that I lost over an hour of my existence. For that time, I was gone from everything. Just my basic survival was there with my heart beating and breathing feeding my body with oxygen.

I've slept deeply before and always know that time has gone by after waking up. I've passed out from drinking and still knew time had passed. This was different and that is why I wonder what happened to my spirit or life energy during that time. I know I was not dead while under the knife, but a part of me felt I was gone.

A former boss and friend of mine had a serious kidney and liver infection. They had hospitalize him and induce a three-week coma while they filled him with antibiotics and other medicines. After he regained consciosness he felt the same thing. Time had not meaning while he was out. He had not heard his wife and son talk to him. He did not dream. He did not experience anything. The first thing he noticed was how dry his throat was as he came out. We talked about how wonders how he could not have any sense of life during that time. His time out was much longer than me, but I think we both had a similar experience of puzzlement.

My anesthetized time was not a near-death experience, but one of those moments I call a mini-death, where I got a view of another aspect of that life step. It was not the real thing or even view of it. It was not a deeply profound moment, but just a taste of the big end. Maybe it was like seeing a woman's beautiful legs in stockings with sexy heels on. That is nothing compared to sex, but it is a small morsel of it.

I Died vs. I am Dead - Mini-Deaths -Part 1

Well Played
Photo by SB

I've written about my nightmares before. In many of them I am killed. The most graphic dream of this sort was when I am unlocking my car door in broad day light. I take my keys out of the lock and in my peripheral vision I turn and suddenly there is a guy one foot from me who stabs me in the heart. He kills me instantly, dream flicks to black and I awaken hyperventilating.

I've died in many dreams from accidents, murder, and other nasty endings. Each one ends with the suddenness and finality of a song stopped mid beat. My light is turned off. Each is terrifying in its finality and instant switch from living to empty black void of nothing.

Last night I had a new dream. Not only did I die, but I was dead. In this dream I was in a room at a construction site with a group of people. My dog was there and suddenly I see a flash. A second later a narrator says, "You will notice no gore or pain. All fifteen of you were electrocuted and died instantly. " All of us in the room look at each other confused and then suddenly we see the images of us leading up to it and again, flash. We know we are all dead and having to see our last moments replay again and again. No gore, just seeing our last five seconds happen over and over. At one point we wonder if we can change the scenario by avoiding the situation that caused the electrocution. Nope, we are all dead and this is our eternity.

On my drive in today, I thought about this dream. It wasn't scary. I realized this was first time that I knew I was dead in a dream. I wondered if my Christian upbringing affected my interpretation of death and how this dream played. I thought about what death must be like. I do not know how to interpret this dream. This was the first time I internally learned the difference between died vs. dead. Died is the instant when life ceased. Dead is the result and lasts forever. That seems obvious, but I had never felt it in my core being. To die in a dream is scary, to know you are dead will make you think a bit.

After crossing the Bay Bridge, I switched mind gears and thought about moments in our lives when we have mini-deaths. These are moments when time has no meaning and we are out of existence. I came up with at least four instances this has happened and will write more on each over the next few days. Next will be human administered mini-death.

BLOG REGULATIONS

Very interesting article about how the FTC wants to regulate blog content. Here is a quick summary.

In new guidelines (PDF) released Oct. 5, the FTC put bloggers on notice that they could incur an $11,000 fine if they receive free goods, free services, or money and write about the goods or services without conspicuously disclosing their "material connection" to the provider.

This makes me wonder if the IRS will be next.

I just noticed the FTC emblem looks like a shield with a drug induced smile on it.

Added bonus - Great Magnum photo series on the "Red Dress."

Refound Treasures

Katie 100709
Photo by SB

I had class Monday night. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera battery so I worked in the computer lab and scanned some old negatives. I scanned all of my negatives of Katie, and a few from other shoots. Scanning negatives takes forever, but I am hoping I can use these for printing and putting up on this blog and my future website.

As I look at Katie's photos, good old memories come flooding back from the shoot. She is a special lady I only had the fortune to photograph once. For those who do not recognize her, look up at the mast head of the beauty laying on her back in the Berkeley November sun under the blog title. I've shared some stories of that shoot here.

The Self

A Glance into My Views
Photo by SB

Every photography class requires the photographer to take a self portrait. Grrrr... If I wanted to be the subject of my photos, I would be. Many greats (like Cindy Sherman) have created great art using themselves as a subject.

Sherman's photos are a great study into the stereotypes/archetypes of feminine roles. I really like her photos as a collection because they make me think of how I view women. By using her own vision of the model personified in herself, she created some timeless studies into feminist themes.

I am not Cindy Sherman. I don't mind others taking photos of me, but I don't enjoy seeing the photos. I don't know how to pose. I don't believe in myself as a subject in front of the camera. Maybe it is a control issue, I don't know.

Most of my self portraits are allegorical or representational with out me in them. Since this is a portrait class, those cheap escapes wont work. I have to be in them.

I studied under Kim Weston (Edward's grandson) for a little while. He once said that a photographer who takes photos of nudes, should themselves be photographed nude. This helps them feel both the trepidations and freedoms of the moment. I wont have time to lose the fifteen or twenty pounds I need to re-lose before doing that. I will need to figure out a way to capture me that I will appreciate.

For the future, I am thinking of experimenting with creating the male version of Cindy Sherman's work and create images of male stereotypes/archetypes. Before that though, I need to photograph some beautiful women again.


Photo note: Photo of and by Cindy Sherman is untitled. Top photo was a fun "self-portrait" to make.

Word, man... word.

Faint "Fucker"
Photo by SB

Here is an interesting article about "why it is so hard to put sex in the dictionary." Warning, the article is very graphic.

It is amazing how powerful words are. I can pummel, bludgeon, incinerate, exsanguinate, mutilate, flog, hang, draw and quarter, impale, shoot, and overall kill people with words that are readily defined in dictionaries. If I was gay, I could not "sixty-nine" though since that is a "blend of fellatio and cunnilingus."

This is further proof that prudes would rather know more about killing than sex. I guess sex is too dangerous for them to know about compared to decapitating.

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Photo by SB

Catching up and a Special Video

PJ Harvey and Nick Cave - Henry Lee
Photo by Rocky Schenck

I am catching up on others' blogs. So much rich content over at AFD and WWST over the past week. I have a few more favorite blogs to visit before I am caught up.

Last night in my portrait photography course, my instructor showed us the still and video work of Rocky Schenk. Here is his site. He had us watch a black and white music video Schenk created with Nick Cave and PJ Harvey. It is very erotic, loving, affectionate, and the visual message contrasts the message of the song and then blends with it showing opposites flowing into accents. Watch the rhythm and flow of the camera work and the natural fluid affection these two have while singing to each other.

Sadly I can not embed this video into this post. Go to this link and click on the little black and white photo entitled "NICK CAVE & PJ HARVEY - henry lee" to watch it. Imagine every individual moment in a still photograph. I am amazed they did this all in one take.