Cul de sacs

Hana and Leila - 111610

The term cul de sac is French for "bottom of the bag."  That sounds about right.  I went for a walk this weekend in a new neighborhood full of them.  It kind of felt like living at the bottom of the bag, the end of a road.

I've been taking stock of my life a bit over the last few weeks.  One thing I've done is started identifying my personal cul de sacs.  These dead ends are things in my life I don't need to go down any further.  Some of them are hopes from my youth, desires that are no longer relevant, artistic pursuits and interests. 

DISCLAIMER - I support the LGBT community and want everyone to celebrate their sexuality.  I hope everyone has a rich, rewarding sex life. What I am about to say is not my judgment of these groups or their erotic love.  It is about my preferences.

When I look back at my images with Leila and Hana, I am now getting a feeling this is a cul de sac. 

I took those photos in 2004 and loved looking at them.  I appreciated the beauty, the lines, the moment from each image.  Hana and Leila shared the gift of their caring, passionate intimacy with me.  I was  aroused making them and working on them afterward.

Leila and Hana - 111610B

Since 2008, I've had other feelings about sapphic imagery.  These changes are due to many reasons.  One of the biggest is that I am finding them less and less arousing for my own personal desires.  Now when I see these photos, I see the deep attraction Leila and Hana felt for each other and shared off camera as well.

I wrote more about my evolving views on sapphic erotic imagery here (The appeal of sapphos and threesomes), where I go into much greater detail.  I fully support others taking these photos, but I think I am done.  I have reached the end of that cul de sac and it is time to find other things to photograph.

Photo note - I've used a black and white variation of this photo before.  I think the BW version is better, but I like the accent of Hana's red panties.  It adds a little pop to this image.  I would work with either of these models again... just not together.   The lightning struck once, and that was enough.  More photos of Hana and Leila.

Winter

Winter on Yellowstone River

A little while ago I wrote a post about why autumn is fave rave of seasons.  UL wrote a follow up on both autumn and winter.  Her winter post asked, "What is winter for?" I wrote a comment for her that post and she recommended I post it here as well. 

Lines to Her Heart (Photographed on a cold day in late November)

We are having a very warm October in northern California. It is supposed to be 91 in SF today, which is a novelty to me (I've lived here for 13 years). I am hoping to go up to the Napa/Sonoma wine country this weekend to see the grape vines changing colors.

As for winter, maybe it is my dark side, but it is my second favorite season. I love the short days, long nights, angular sun, rain/snow, bare trees, cool days and cold nights. I love skiing (both types) and breathing in the cold air into my lungs. I love walking in the snow (something I miss since moving from Montana) and hearing the crunch of it under my feet. There is nothing more peaceful than walking during a quiet snow fall.

I find winter very erotic and sensual. The red of the wines, the glow of the fire, the warm food, and the need to be beside someone. The long nights give us time to explore each other without feeling guilty of missing daylight playing and chores. All of these put me much more in the mood than spring flowers and bright days.

Maybe another reason I love fall is that it is the foreplay for my winter. Who doesn't love a whole season of foreplay?

I lost my virginity in winter, fell in love for the first time in winter, and also lost a friend in winter (see link below.)  Winter is not subtle in its attributes or what we humans do during it, at least not for me.

Below are some links to other posts I wrote about winter.  At the bottom is a zen video showing both the beauty and solitude of winter, and one young man's life during it.


The beauty of cross country skiing.

The story of a friend's suicide on a cold January day.

A moment of solitude

Valya - 092910

Sometimes we all need to be alone.   We shut out all the unneeded and only focus on ourselves.  For some, it is a stress relief.  For others, it is a way to cleanse our mind, body and spirit and celebrate a unique and personal gift.  

Smokin'

Courtney - 092310 - 1

What is it about watching people smoke that is so damn sexy?  Is it the sensual breathing, the smoke entering and then exiting their core?  This sexiness of smoking is not just of women.  One of the biggest draws for the great show Mad Men is the all the smoking, both the men and the women. 

I recently worked on a photo assignment for my new class.  The assignment was to photograph accessories as part of a portrait.  We looked at a set of examples the instructor prepared.  Most were beautiful images, but didn't inspire me.  I saw examples of accessories that included necklaces, hair, piercings, masks, and other bits of bangles and baubles.  None of them inspired me and I wanted to photograph something sensual and sexy.

Courtney - 092310 -2

Last Sunday I met with all the other photographers I went to New York with to work out the photos for our book.  I talked with my friend Courtney, a gifted artist and fellow student, as she was smoking.  I knew then that I had found the right accessory for her portrait.  After some brief chatting we worked out a location and date and got these photos.

Thanks to Courtney.  You are an artist and a muse, and you amuse. 

Boredom and lust

Valya - 080710

Boredom: the desire for desires - Tolstoy

Ever notice how similar the body feels when overwhelmingly bored or full of lust?  You can feel both burning through your body and hear the crackle of electricity in your head.  The tingling static charge desiring to do something, whether a new adventure or sex consumes all you think about.  All you know while existing in either states is that something had better happen... now.  True hell is living in both simultaneously.

Lust is the craving for salt of a man who is dying of thirst - Frederick Buechner

Of all the worldly passions, lust is the most intense. All other worldly passions seem to follow in its train. - Buddha

Different than what we learned in P.E.

Moon - 071710

Please watch the video.  We never learned to dance or do gymnastics like this.  I am going to need to take a cold shower.

Boundaries, Definitions, Intersections...

 Leila and Hana

Over the weekend I watched a movie that pushed the boundaries of erotica, pornography, and definition titled, 9 Songs.  It is a short movie about a young couple in England and their sex life through their relationship and over the course of 9 songs.   Both the sex scenes and the icy Antarctic landscape are beautifully filmed.

The scenes grow increasingly erotic, graphic, and by one point shows full penetration and male ejaculation.  Is it pornographic, hardcore, erotica, art?  Can it be all of these?  Can art be pornographic or pornography be art?

This is not the first time these questions have been asked. Bob Guccione's Caligula and John Cameron Mitchell's Shortbus pushed these same issues to the question.  Can graphic, actual sex captured through various media rise up to be art? 

Dr. L recently wrote in her blog:

Anyone who has watched porn films, even classics like "Behind the Green Door," will notice the complete lack of authentic emotion. So, for me, high emotion vs. the lack of convincing emotion separates erotica from pornography.

The balancing act, the success or failure to stop just short of going too far, determines whether it is erotica or pornography.

In a comment to her post, I wrote:

That goes back to the classic line that I am going to poorly paraphrase, "I can't define what pornography is, but I know it when I see it." I think this boundary between erotica and pornography varies from person to person and between cultures.

I like your concept of needing real emotion between the people in the photo/video to help make it erotica. I hadn't thought of that, but I think that hits the nail on the head.

When I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith, staring the ever sexy Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I could tell there was a real passion between them. Even though it was a tongue-in-cheek movie, their emotions and desire for each other made it white-hot for me. It was real.

After seeing 9 Songs, I've decided that it is (for me) pornography, erotica and it maybe even has artistic merit.  The characters have a complex, caring relationship and their sex is not the usual cliche crap you find in standard commercial porn.  It feels like you are watching two people connect physically and emotionally. 

For me it is the intent of the piece that makes it erotic, pornographic, artistic or all of these and more.  If the creator's intent is to go beyond just shock, awe, and titillation, and to try to put an artistic statement on it, then it is difficult to dismiss as just porn.  I don't see all pornography as being without merit or purposes other than  masturbatory eye candy.  It can be art and erotica.

Since seeing my first Playboys, Penthouses and occasional Hustlers, through the porn videos of the 90's and the boom of porn on the internet, I've seen lots of porn.  During all those experiences, I've seen some pornography that I feel is art.  I believe some of the images I captured of Leila and Hana are pornographic.  I also consider them artistic and erotic.  One of the reasons I feel they are more than porn was my, and their, intent.  I wanted to capture graphic moments that when seen together in a series shows not only the tender and caring relationship of these two women, but also the intense physical way they celebrated it.

Some believe, including me, that subtlety and leaving things to the imagination can be more erotic than explicit depictions.  I also believe  sometimes we need to see the "whole monty."  This is true whether it is sex, war, poverty, domestic violence, and other real life issues.  If we did not see the bodies of victims killed in the name civil rights, fascism, communism, genocide, crime, drugs and other atrocities, we would not have been moved to act.  The same goes for poverty and other tough topics.  They pushed our comfort and made us think of how to react.

All of this makes me believe that what most, including myself, consider pornography can also be acceptable art and important to be created. Is sex that taboo and should we only be limited to accepting violent graphic imagery as art?

Percieving Art - a really long one... beware

 

Katie 022110 - Negative Neighbor 1

After reading a very elequont and well written articles by Dr. L. over at What We Saw Today about the future of art, I got to thinking about the relationship between perceiving art personally and how we learn as individuals.   We all perceive things differently and that affects how appreciate create and learn.  How will our ability to perceive art in the future define what art will become? 

One learning theory emphasizes the different types of learners and trying to meet their needs. According to Howard Gardner, people learn best through one or more methods of interaction with the subject.  Gardner came up with a list of eight multiple intelligences with a couple more to consider as additional avenues.  The big eight are:

1. Bodily- kinesthetic - learning better by involving muscular movement (e.g. getting up and moving around into the learning experience), and are generally good at physical activities such as sports or dance.
2. Interpersonal -  people who have a high interpersonal intelligence tend to be extroverts, characterized by their sensitivity to others' moods, feelings, temperaments and motivations, and their ability to cooperate in order to work as part of a group.
3. Verbal - linguistic - People with high verbal-linguistic intelligence display a facility with words and languages. They are typically good at reading, writing, telling stories and memorizing words along with dates. They tend to learn best by reading, taking notes, listening to lectures, and discussion and debate. They are also frequently skilled at explaining, teaching and oration or persuasive speaking.
4. Logical - mathematical - While it is often assumed that those with this intelligence naturally excel in mathematics, chess, computer programming and other logical or numerical activities, a more accurate definition places emphasis on traditional mathematical ability and more reasoning capabilities, abstract patterns of recognition, scientific thinking and investigation, and the ability to perform complex calculations.
5. Interpersonal - People with intrapersonal intelligence are intuitive and typically introverted. They are skillful at deciphering their own feelings and motivations.
6. Visual - spatial - People with strong visual-spatial intelligence are typically very good at visualizing and mentally manipulating objects. They have a strong visual memory and are often artistically inclined.
7. Musical - Those who have a high level of musical-rhythmic intelligence display greater sensitivity to sounds, rhythms, tones, and music. They normally have good pitch and are able to sing, play musical instruments, and compose music. Since there is a strong auditory component to this intelligence, those who are strongest in it may learn best via lecture.
8. Naturalistic - This area has to do with nurturing and relating information to one's natural environment.  Those with it are said to have greater sensitivity to nature and their place within it, the ability to nurture and grow things, and greater ease in caring for, taming and interacting with animals. They may also be able to discern changes in weather or similar fluctuations in their natural surroundings. They are also good at recognizing and classifying different species. They must connect a new experience with prior knowledge to truly learn something new.

 -Wikipedia

I would say I perceive things best using my visual - spatial and musical intelligences with a touch of the naturalistic as well.  I also recognize times when the other ones work for me, but these are my key ways I perceive and create things. 

Katie 022110 - Negative Neighbor 2

 

How we perceive art is as deeply personal as how we experience food, sex, attraction, revulsion, and any other life experience, different strokes for different folks.  Can you tell me what blue looks like?  You can list examples of blue things, elaborate on how it makes you feel, and even tell me which wavelengths in the visual spectrum are assigned to the blue hues.  Thankfully art is easier to discuss how we perceive it, but I know your explanation of your perceptions of art contain only a small amount of what you experienced, felt, and interpreted into them.

The visual-still arts are the most concrete to describe and elaborate on.  You can spend time with the piece to interpret it for your own consumption.  Your eyes can gaze on each part as long as needed.  If you can touch it, then you can touch it as long as needed as well.  For some art, a second is only needed, for other art, a lifetime.  What I appreciate about this form is that I can come back to it and digest bits of the piece or the whole thing as I need to.   This type of art has a very slow temporal life, limited by the length of the show, life of the viewer, or the decomposition, fading, or erosion of the piece.  Last month I saw the Pantheon in Rome.  It will probably be there the next time I see it.  It will be around after me and has been around for thousands of years before me.

Performance/moving art with a visual component is the next most concrete.  You are absorbing sight, sound, movement, action and other sensations to form your own version of the narrative.  With all this though, it is temporal.  The dancer's move, the actor's line, and the dialogue are gone after they are performed.  Only our memory (or a rewind button) allows us to experience it again.  During that instant though, our visual and auditory worlds have to be open to receive all the information we are going to get.  We are living in the temporal existence of the piece.

Music is the most abstract, for me.  I play music, love it and try to have it around me all the time.  It has some similarities to visual moving/performance art.  The temporal existence is a challenge since it lasts only as long as the note is held.  When the music stops, the perceiving time is done.  We are left only with our memories and feelings created by the music to create an interpretation.  A challenge unique to music and other auditory arts is the lack of all senses involved other than hearing.  I can't use anything other than my ears to capture what happened.

I love both listening and playing this piece - the tuba line is the best at  5:17 to 6:48 - I  get chills hearing and playing that part.


Another challenge with instrumental music (and dance) is the lack of words.  Everything exists in a temporal moment and demands the audience to truly make their own interpretation of the moment.  Music with lyrics may be abstract, but by listening to the words and how they flow with the music, I can get a deeper sense of the creator's message.

Flamenco music and dance flow with a passion that always stirs my heart, loin and spirit.  It can be inspire and heartbreaking all at once.


With all the above said, I have to go back to Dr. L's post.

Art is real. Its essence cannot be conveyed by pixels. The story of its time and place and purpose and moment resides in its physical package, the medium.

and

This is serious business if we come to accept a virtual gallery as a primary venue to show any kind of art. Nad's words "quickly forgotten" tell us all we need to know. We are not talking about just the end of literature. We are talking about the end.

I can see her point, but don't feel it is as widespread or absolute as may be feared.  If all art becomes an online gallery, it will be the death of art.  That wont happen though.  Viewing live sports events on location is still a preferred experience over watching it live on TV.  The televised version is probably closer to the action than the person in the stands, but experiencing it live is truly a richer experience.  Overall, I think people will always prefer the real thing to the recorded/digital version.

I think the impact of the internet on art, and any other form of communication and information, is similar to the printing press and the first recorded sounds.  Before printed words, all books were hand-written and most stories were passed down through oral traditions.  Before recorded sound, all music was experienced by live performers.  The temporal moment made it a cherished treat.  Within one minute, I can listen to pretty much any audio thing I want because of the ease of the internet.  While I may enjoy hearing Bach or Bachman Turner Overdrive through my computer speakers, listening to the real thing live is much better.  Seeing Ansel Adams Moonrise Over Hernandez on my screen reminds me of when I saw a real print of it, but since I don't have $40,000 to buy one, the virtual experience is better than none.

In considering the future of art, we always need to look at the technologies available to the artist.  Early photography was not considered art.  To make it more artistic, the pictorial photographer tried to emulate painted art.

Pictorialism largely subscribed to the idea that art photography needed to emulate the painting and etching of the time. Most of these pictures were black & white or sepia-toned. Among the methods used were soft focus, special filters and lens coatings, heavy manipulation in the darkroom, and exotic printing processes

Wikipedia

Along came Edward Weston, Ansel Adams, and many other photographers stating, "bullshit" to the idea that photography had to emulate other arts of the time.  They defined a new genre of art that emphasized contrast, tonality, and clarity of image.  They created the concept or philosophy of the fine art print. In a previous post I wrote about a digital photography pioneer who challenging the concept that the traditional fine print is truly the only fine art photograph.  In the future, we may look back at the fine prints created by film photographers as garish, over-saturated, and with too much contrast.  Who sees true black in the real world?

It took some time and now photography is widely accepted and appreciated as an art form.  Very few cutting-edge artists exploring new media will have their art considered seriously in their lifetime.  This is the challenge of the new artists who is inventing the new art.

In the future, there will be new types of art that solely live in the digital world.  They may have no tactile, permanent existence. They will only be exhibited, performed, and created in the digital world of electrons and pixels.  We will only be able to absorb it through the machine that it lives in and puts it out onto the device we use to interact with it.  That same device may be what we use for communication, making lists, and doing our taxes.  Like music, they may be temporal and live only within one sense.   It may become something like a holographic universe that we absorb virtually through a connection to a computer.  Imagine if you could create a piece of art that a person could truly enter and be surrounded by to experience it.

Candace Nirvana 022110

All of this does not mean the death of art as we know it.  As Dr. L stated:

In the beginning was NOT the word, despite what we've been told. In the beginning was the image - those we saw before our eyes, and those we filed inside our heads.

Humans have been transferring images to walls for thousands of years.  We have been banging things together to create music and dance to a rhythm.  The piano, while made with better materials and engineering, is basically the same as the first pianofortes from centuries ago.  Every time a new form of art or technology/technique in art is created, we must make one of five choices, ignore it, accept it, accept parts of it and use it with the old methods, alter it for something even newer, or try to destroy it for all others.  There is some music I can barely consider music, so I ignore it or avoid it.  I've accepted using a digital camera.  I want to try making silver prints from digital negatives.  I would love to try taking digital photographs of my thoughts someday and push the format further.  I will always speak out about art that promotes hatred and persecution like many speak out about the nude art we create as dangerous.

In conclusion, humans will always need to create art and to experience it in whatever way is best for the individual.  Some will be tactile, or aural, or visual, or a mix of all the senses and types of intelligence.  Some will be using methods we can not fathom yet and others will be using the oldest techniques of art, a simple smudge on a flat surface.  Art is not going to die from new methods of exhibitions.  If it dies, it will be from others suppressing the artist's ability to make it.

Clear, Focused, and Energized

Candace 010710

What reinvigorates, cleans, brings clarity, focuses, de-clutters you? For some, practicing yoga, meditation and prayer do the trick. Others achieve this through exercise, talking or writing with others. What is your method?

For me, I feel this after sex, a good night's sleep, or a good day cross-country skiing. Each of these brings my thoughts under control and focuses my energy, creativity, and action. Each of these offers me different rewards.

Sex needs to be one of those things that can not be multi-tasked with other things. During that alone or shared time, all that matters is the pleasure that grows, flows, fills, and moves through those involved. I hope the one I am with is not thinking of work, taxes, or dinner plans. Through this intense, focused time with or without someone, we rid our minds of extraneous things and only that moment matters. After we (or if solo, I am) are satisfied, I have a clarity and purpose brought by the release of all the tensions and passions that had built up. I have mentioned before that sex is a type of baptism and cleansing. We are cleansing all these things for a brief time. Fortunately though, this is not a one-time baptism, but one that must be done again and again.

Don't
Joshua Tree National Park

I've written quite a bit about sleep as a time when we voluntarily lose control of our being and let the shadows of our psyche roam, careen, stampede, and crash about. Sometimes sleep is bad for me, but those times when I do not have nightmares and I can awaken slowly, I have a feeling of peace and clarity and usually a deep focus on one thing. That one thing is often something I needed to solve. The solution came somewhere during the sleep. I know that I must use this insight quickly or it will be lost to the distractions that create the ennui of daily life.

Every winter I go cross-country skiing as many times as possible. I've been doing this for over thirty years. The ideal day starts with the drive to the beautiful mountain location. I get my skis off my car and put on my boots. After putting my pack and skis on, I am ready to take off. The first mile is a semi-quick warm up as I focus on getting all my muscles used to this new method of self transport. The next five or six miles I get into my own rhythmic groove with minimal breaks for water or rest. The world is "shushing" by and all I hear is my breathing. I think about my life, desires, situation, and where I am. I usually stop to eat lunch with the friends or family on the trip.

Joshua Tree National Park - Hall of Horrors

By this time I am about two thirds done. My joints and muscles are getting tired from the exertion and sudden lunch stop. As I start off I feel my body's reluctance to get going, but as the food and water replenish me I get back to my natural stride. Many times at this point it begins to snow, or snow harder. I love to stop, listen to my breathing and take in the most peaceful bliss my heart can ever enjoy. I hear the snow actually landing on the ground, on me, all around me. There is a muffled silence that fills me with warmth as the only movement around me is my breathing. Sometimes you can hear the wind flowing between the trees causing them to shake and making the snow blow sideways. This is my most private and personal moment with nature. It is just me and her living and breathing together, her wind and my exhales making similar airy sounds.


Snowy and Windy Day on Top of Mt. San Jacinto

As dusk approaches, I am about a mile from the car and things grow darker. With the peaceful quiet of the falling snow and the white blanket on the ground easily visible, I find my car. I snap out of my binding, shake off the snow on my hat and coat, stow my gear, start up the car and drive home. During that drive and for the next few days I feel the exhaustion and fresh air still running through me. My mind is peacefully calm and not really focused or concerned about anything. This is more peaceful than any day at the spa for me.

We all have things that help bring us back. These are three of mine. I also feel this after reading a novel, a long drive in the country, and many other activities. What are yours and how do they make you feel?

WE

Evening at Many Glacier
Photo by SB

For a brief moment
WE lived as one ethereal
wholly as one breath

Nothing existed
for that yawn of time except
our blended essence

We could acknowledge it
only after we left it
and mourned its passing

Even in the dimming
and the resting embrace WE no
longer existed again

Yes, I am Feeling It

"Self Titled"
Photo by SB

"Desire" is a mighty word. We all desire things. We desire sexy things, noble things, dirty things, materialistic things, healthy things, religious/spiritual things, peaceful things, violent things, dangerous things, safe things... you get the point. We all desire the experience to experience the desire.

Desires are like drugs. They are not good or bad. It is how we use them that can be interpreted as good or bad. At this moment I desire spam and eggs (guilty pleasure), coffee, and toast. This is an OK desire, in moderation. Last week I desired a big cigar, a not-so-good desire. I always pay for it physically after smoking one, by tasting it in my mouth and throat for days, but sometimes it is worth it.

Last night I desired sex. Today I desire it. Tomorrow I will desire it. They are not the same desires. That is such a bland statement to say, "I desire sex." That is like saying, "I desire food." Both have such variety that the statement has no meaning.

Last night I desired food, a big salad with grilled asparagus, thinly sliced grilled chicken, and grated manchego cheese with a balsamic/olive oil dressing, crusty bread and wine to accompany it. That is pretty specific.

As I age, I am starting to appreciate my desires more by trying to refine them to their essence. This is helping me find what I truly enjoy in the experience. I am trying to do this with my eating, activities, what I photograph, who I visit, where I travel, and what I do.

So, last night I desired sex. That is too vague. I desired sex passionate rough sex on the futon in my home office. Next time it could be soft sex lasting for hours on a soft feather bed. When I compare my sexual desires now to those of my teen years, they are focused. When I was fifteen, I desired sex... any I could get. I didn't have the discriminating palette that comes with experience and knowledge. I didn't know what I didn't know.

Now I am a bit more discriminating about most of my tastes. I am trying to fine tune my experiences to relish the elegant simple beauty of the need. I am finding great pleasures in that.

I need to be careful desiring and focusing in on such discreet pleasures. I may miss great opportunities for new discoveries and pleasures. It is the cliche of "missing the forest for the trees" issue.

A few years ago I was practically living in my darkroom developing film and making prints. I kept honing my skills and vision while disregarding all my friends' excitement for digital. I saw digital more as convenient than artistic. That changed when I met a landscape/flower photographer who shot digital and showed me her work. I didn't know that color and resolution had come so far as to rival film. Since I got my digital SLR last December, I've opened my artistic world in a new direction that greatly excites me. I hope I don't lose my desire to work in film though.

So, right now I desire a walk with my dogs around this foggy morning. I know I wont desire that when it is going to be 100+ early next week. Time to satisfy that desire.

Photo note - Another of the "word" photos with Candace. At first I was disappointed with the image since it was not sharp. After playing with it a little by a de-saturating, bumping contrast, and enhancing grain, I think this matches how I view "desire." Desires usually have a feel and color to them and may have a scent, taste, and feel as well. This one pretty much sums up my feelings last night.

Desire
U2

Lover, Im on the street
Gonna go where the bright lights
And the big city meet
With a red guitar...on fire
Desire

Shes a candle burning in my room
Yeah Im like the needle, needle and spoon
Over the counter with a shotgun
Pretty soon everybody got one
And the fever when Im beside her
Desire, desire...

And the fever...getting higher
Desire, desire...burning, burning

Shes the dollars
Shes my protection
Yeah shes a promise
In the year of election
Oh sister, I cant let you go
Like a preacher stealing hearts
At a traveling show
For love or money money money
Money money money money money
Money money money
And the fever, getting higher
Desire, desire, desire, desire
Desire, desire

.

The Photographic Chasms - Parts 1 and 2

Ying and Yang

Photo by SB

PART 1 Aug 10th

In recent posts, Stephen Haynes asked deep questions about his recent photo shoot and the role the photographer plays in it. As I read it, I am getting depressed about my own photography.

Fire Dancer 2
Photo by SB

When I photograph something, I am separating myself from the subject. I am the first viewer. I am recording the moment, but am not necessarily part of it. The more intense the photo, more I am

separated by the chasm between subject and photographer. Think of it this way, if I am setting up each pose and all the props in a photo, I am very involved with the content and the photo (see Ying and Yang). If I am recording a moving moment of independent minds, whether it be a fighter jet (see Poetry), a fire dancer (see Fire Dancer2), or two lovers together (see A Taste), I am very detached from the content other than to try to capture it.

Poetry

Photo by SB

A Taste
Leila and Hana - Photo by SB

While reading Stephen's questions about the photographer's role, I felt nauseous. I do not blame him at all for this. He is forcing me to look at myself in a deep way that terrifies me of my own motivations. Am I truly creating art or am I intruding on something very private and so personal? Am I trying to satiate something deep in me that is not for the sake of photography, but to just get a thrill. This is throwing me into a creative war with my own intentions as both an artist and human with sexual, emotional, and physical needs.

PART 2 August 12th

The emotional hurt I felt on the 10th surprised me and made me look deep into why I photograph what I do. What was my motivation for capturing the images I did? Are they true to art, erotica, and honor the subject appropriately?

My fear and anguish was discovering that there is a part of me that did get an ethereal erotic pleasure from photographing Leila and Hana and every other model who I've worked with. Even though I felt little or no arousal during the photo sessions, I felt it while planning and printing/editing the images. Was I only creating my own masturbatory materials and needing to add a new experience notch to my life belt?

After some deep introspection on this and reading Stephen and Dr. L's posts on the subject and all the comments to their writings, I am finding some answers for myself. They are not easy to accept yet, but they are becoming clearer.

Is it acceptable for me, the photographer, to have self-serving interests at a prurient level? If "yes," can it still be art and are the motives debasing the value of the work or adding to it? These two questions summarize what I need to answer. I will return to these later.

Part of the reason I am struggling so deeply with these answers was due to my own lust at the moment. What is funny, it wasn't a sexual lust. It was a lust to photograph and to release my creativity.

I have not lifted my camera since my photo class ended a few weeks ago. I haven't edited any photos. I thought I needed a break before my next class started. When I saw Stephen's photos of Brooke and Erin, I felt the deep emotions of lust, artistic respect, artistic jealousy, disdain for my work, and a loss as I felt left behind as others moved on. I also felt some personal pain due to the subject of the photo that is my own personal issue and not a judgment on the content.

Variations on a Photo - The Garage Studio

Photo by SB

Yesterday I was mulling over these emotions and decided to work on my recent photos of Candace. Within a second of my first action on one image, an hour went by. I felt something had changed so I quickly went to Stephen's blog again and reread it and viewed the photos. My answers were clearer, his photos inspired me, and I knew I had discovered something about myself. I need to continually work on my art or I get pent up anxiety for the creative release. Abstaining from art is as difficult and damaging for me as abstaining from sex.

Variations on a Photo - Landscape from a Portrait

Photo by SB

So, what are the answers to those questions from above? They are not fully answered yet and they may change and evolve as I do, but here are my responses for now.

Is it acceptable for me, the photographer, to have self-serving interests at a prurient level? YES

If "yes," can it still be art and are the motives debasing the value of the work or adding to it? As I mentioned in a comment on Stephen’s blog…

The beauty of it (erotic sappho photos) is art, erotica, and all of the other characteristics you mentioned. It can also be pornographic, exploitative, and both objectifying and degrading to the subjects. For me, what determines the outcome is largely due to the intent of all of the participants; photographer, models, and the viewer.

If my motive is purely for my own sexual satisfaction, my product is probably not art. Dr. L. put it best in her blog yesterday when she quoted from Kenneth Clark's The Nude. The quote is his answer to whetherart can have an erotic message in it and still be art.

Clark definitively says: "...no nude, however abstract, should fail to arouse in the spectator some vestige of erotic feeling, even though it be only the faintest shadow - and if it does not do so, it is bad art and false morals. The desire to grasp and be united with another human body is so fundamental a part of our nature that our judgment of what is known as 'pure form' is inevitably influenced by it; and one of the difficulties of the nude as a subject for art is that these instincts cannot lie hidden... the amount of erotic content a work of art can hold in solution is very high.”

Variations on a Photo - Still Not There

Photo by SB

Artists must feel the emotions they are trying to communicate through their art. If I am going to make art showing the oppression of religious freedom, I need to feel anger and seek justice through my work for it to be genuine and powerful. To make art that has erotic content, I must feel the erotic emotions and feelings I want to convey in the piece. In this way, I am giving my art some authenticity in its message. If the photo did not make me feel and react, then what is the point? My job as an artist is to use my vision and the beautiful contributions of the models and/or subjects to make the photo rise to becoming art.

PHOTO NOTE: Ying and Yang - I know for this to be true to the title one of the models needs to be black or a man, or a black man. That was one of the first critiques I got on this photo when I posted it online at a photo forum. This is one of my favorite photos I have taken. I don't brag about my work often and will let it speak for itself. This photo is art to me. Whenever I post it online, this photo gets more comments than the more explicit photos of Hanna and Leila. Just curious, on the erotic scale of 1 (none) to 10 (get me a cigarette) how would you rate it? I give it a 3.

So, if you have a better name for it than Ying and Yang, I am open to it. I offered that at another site and someone suggested Ying and Yank... I don't think he got the artistic point.

Playing with Candace

Toward the Light - Original
Photo by SB

One of my greatest pleasures is working with an image and experimenting. I love doing this in the darkroom as well as on a computer. Both analog and digital offer me artistic therapy that my soul needs.

In the darkroom I get the deeply sensual experience of touching the papers, dodging and burning areas with my bare hands and seeing the negative image of the model's beauty on my skin as I create unique art with each print. The disappointment or elation of watching the developer bring the image to consciousness as I slowly agitate for the required time. Then watching the print fix and wash under the soft orange light, hoping it looks even better in the real illumination. By doing this I feel one with the model in a much more intimate and artistic way than when I tripped the shutter. At those times I truly understand what Ansel Adams meant when he said.

The negative is comparable to the composer's score and the print to its performance. Each performance differs in subtle ways.

Toward the Light

BW

Photo by SB

Digital image manipulation is a new art that I am learning and loving. I am nowhere near as proficient with it than I am in a dark room. It has no tactile affections like analog printing. The physical involvement is minimal and mouse clicks are not sensual like using a squeegee to gently caress the print dry.

Toward the Light
SAT

Photo by SB

Using a computer though frees the mind to try things I could never do in the darkroom. Do I want to take the blue out of the background, yet accentuate the model's soft pink lips. I can do a million minor adjustments to make the art truly what I envision it to be. Just thinking about that arouses all parts of soul, body and mind. While I miss the sensual tactile experience, the mental growth is just fine.

Toward the Light
Low SAT

Photo by SB

Do you have any preferences between any of these photos? Do they tell you different stories? Isn't Candice truly beautiful? All my models are and I appreciate them dearly.

Toward the Light
Mod SAT

Photo by SB