Treatments

 In need of treatment here.  My cold lingers.  My job is threatened again.   Personal issues are boiling over.  One salvation is treatments.  They are a healing time to get to know what I love. 

Here are four treatments of the same photo of Leila. Seeing these makes me want to write her right now and set something up.  We will see.  As for these photos, I am digging the grain and edge that some have.  Click on each for a larger view. 

I wrote a book report on Fight Club over at brother blog Hear Me Roar.  The book is a great read.

Too many words...

Moon - 100610

I've been blathering a bit too much and producing too little.  One of my former bosses, Nancy, gave me some great advice on public speaking.

1. Be brilliant.
2. Be brief.
3. Be gone.

Follow those three simple rules in public speaking and the audience will love you.  In honor of Nancy, here are a few pics.  I am not sure this post hits the first goal, but the last two can be checked off.

Here is an old post that mentions the difference between howling and just barking.  Time to stop just barking.

"You can't handle the truth!" 100610

Miss Mollee and her skinny, little, white friend - 100610

The Rat Pack

Artist unknown

I just read  an interesting article at Slate.com about the formation of the Frank Sinatra's Rat Pack and how the original movie Ocean's 11personified this group.  Sinatra and his group of tag-alongs became the symbol of playboy masculinity of the late 1950's and early 1960's.  While I know of some of their hijincks, I didn't know the genesis of the pack.

Most people think the Rat Pack consisted of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. with Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop playing secondary roles.  According to the article, the group was formed in 1955 after Sinatra invited a group of friends to Vegas for days of non-stop partying.  At one point, Humphrey Bogart's wife, Lauren Bacall saw how hungover and worn out they all looked and said, "You all look like a goddamn rat pack."  The name stuck.  

That is a funny genesis story, but what shocked me was that the beginning Rat Pack had women in it.  Some of the female members were Judy Garland and Lauren Bacall.  These ladies were high-up officers in the club and participated in the fun. 

All this debauched antics and craziness took its toll on its members.  Bogart, the group's rat in charge of public relations, once shared with a reporter the packs self serving purpose was "The relief of boredom and the perpetuation of independence. We admire ourselves and don't care for anyone else."   Bogart died in 1957 from cancer.

I find it interesting that even back then, the burden of celebrity had made these people create a group to escape its traps.  They no longer wanted to be constrained with being role models and the boredom from that life. 

What has changed since then?  Not much.   Many celebrities have his/her own entourage they hang out with.  This loyal group of friends help the big name cope with it all.  This coping can manifest in true help or dangerous help, depending on the enabling intentions of the group.  Many celebrities also hang out together because who else understand you better than fellow celebs.  Maybe one change though is the growing number of female celebrity rat packs like Paris Hilton playing with the Karsdashians and others. 

So, where does all this rambling about the Rat Pack mean for us mere peasants?  We all seek to be part of communities that understand us.  We have churches, clubs, careers, charities, and other groups that share our interests and challenges.  I like to hang out with models, artists and photographers.  I also like to hang out with other loners (I know that doesn't make sense, but for most of us loaners, we enjoy spending time with one or two others who appreciate and respect each others' privacy). We talk the same language and share similar experiences.  We go out together to push ourselves (not quite like the original Rat Pack) yet also have a safety net group to come back to who understand us. 

Nudophobia - another story

 The Quiet Times

I read an interesting article over at What We Saw Today about the conservative fear of nude art aptly named by Dr. L as "nudophobia."   It made me think of my own experiences exhibiting nude photos.


As I've mentioned in past articles, I had a business.  It was half high-end hair salon and half art gallery.  I was in charge of the art gallery, one of my partners who was a stylist managed the salon, and her boyfriend/other partner managed the business end.

Every month we would switch out the art and have an artist's reception.  In February, we decided to have a mixed media show (paintings, sculptures, glass work and photos) of nudes to coincide with Valentine's day.  None were explicit, some were erotic and all were good art.

I posted three of my nudes and sold one and traded one.  A number of the other artists sold pieces as well.  It was the second best money making exhibit for our little gallery.  The customers liked it, the stylists liked it and I never heard a complaint.  We decided we would do the same thing next year.

A few months later, the local artists community organization sponsored their annual event called "open studios."  Every participating artist put one piece up at the organization's gallery as a token of their work and then held a show at their own studio.  My business offered to host three artists plus myself since we did not have studios to exhibit in.  Two of us had nude works along with non-nudes to show.  I was in charge of hanging all the work which took seven hours.

Lines to Her Heart

The next day I came in and all the nude works were down and a few pieces were haphazardly shifted so that the whole flow of the exhibit was ruined.  I was fucking furious.  I went to my partners and asked,"What the fuck did you do?"

The stylist partner said a couple of the other stylists complained about the nudes and she felt they were not appropriate pieces.  I countered with the fact that the nudes were less risque than the ones we had at the Valentine's exhibit and they had no problems with them.  She then said, "Yeah, but that was a special Valentine's show.  This show is supposed to be about the local art community.  We don't want to offend our staff and customers."  I asked who complained and she would not tell me.

I was so mad at her for undoing my area of ownership and responsibility  at her whim.  I never told her how to run the salon,  how dare she change my work without consulting with me first.  I told her all that.  She said  she had to work there all day and did not want to have to deal with comments.  What comments?  At that moment, I knew the partnership was mortally wounded.  I told her that I relinquished all artistic choice for future shows and would only hang work and sell art.  She said that wasn't fair.

Just typing all this makes me mad about it again.  This time though it makes me mad that the belief by her and others was nude art is only acceptable around a holiday that celebrates erotic love.  Once again, nudity equals sex.

Look at the photo I posted of Candace Nirvana yesterday titled Holding the Moment.  Candace is beautiful.  She is nude.  That photo is not erotic.  It is actually tough for me to look at and I love it for that.  I feel pain when I see it.

Dali and Nirvana 4

With all that bitching out now, I have to share a glimmer of hope.  I've talked about the photography classes I took at the local public community college.  In the studio course, a number of photographers experimented working with nude models.  I had the honor of having the photo of Candace below titled Dali and Nirvana 4 hung in the department's gallery and then in the college library's gallery, where it is currently exhibited.  I am proud to have my name and the title on a little card stuck under it.  I am proud of that little college and its acceptance of nudity and art.


Photo note - I feel this photo from the Dali and Nirvana series is erotic and is art.  I doubt my former partner would have wanted that one hanging in our business either.  The nude photos I wanted to exhibit, but were removed, are the two above - Lines to Her Heart, and The Quiet Times.

Empty Again in Wise Poverty - Sabbatical

 "Time, time, time, see what's become of me"
Hazy Shade of Winter - Paul Simon

 The Lucky Poor 

A beech tree in winter, white
Intricacies unconcealed
Against sky blue and billowed
Clouds, carries in his emptiness
Ripeness: sap ready to rise
On signal, buds alert to burst
To leaf. And then after a season
Of summer a lean ring to remember
The lush fulfilled promises.
Empty again in wise poverty
That let's the reaching branches stretch
A millimetre more towards heaven,
The bole expand ever so slightly
And push roots into the firm
Foundation, lucky to be leafless:
Deciduous reminder to let it go

- Eugene Peterson

It is time to do the spring cleaning in all parts of my world.  The backyard is a mess.  The dust bunnies have multiplied out of control under our bed.  The back porch needs to be painted.  My garage studio needs to come down.  My spirit needs to be purged of the cobwebs that catch useless things floating about in my existence.  It is time to reboot myself, not in a formal religious cleansing of grace, but a deep scrub of who I am and until it is raw and allowed to heal in the open air.  It is time to be Empty again in Wise Poverty.

A few posts ago I mentioned this blog needs a restart, reboot, renovation, or just a simple removal.  I am going to be on break for a bit.  It is time to revamp this old blog by painting the walls, hanging new art, and sprucing up the window treatments.  It is also time to take all the photos down as clickable links to enlarged images.  I need to protect my photos.  Thanks to Dr. L, Alex, and Stephen for that tip.

While I am away on sabbatical, check out the great blogs listed on the right side of this page.  You can also mine my old posts for a few juicy nuggets.  I may post an update or image every once in a while during the break, but I need to renovate and protect this blog and myself.

If I spent an average of thirty minutes for each of the 330 posts, then I've dedicated about 165 hours of writing and many more to getting images ready.  With all that work I put into this baby, I really need to take better care of it so that both you and I get what we need out of it.  For me, a chance to voice my thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions, experiences, and desires .  For you, hopefully you will find something interesting, humorous, arousing, inspiring, thought provoking, arousing (I really like that word), or just pretty to look at.

To all my blog readers out there, please share the title from one or some of your favorite posts from this blog via the comments section.  I will update this post with links to them.  For blog authors, please feel free to put a link to your site, blog, MM profile, or whatever you feel should be linked to via the comments section.  I will also update this post with those active links.

Greatest hits as requested by readers/bloggers
Proust Questionnaires
Rome
Men Take the Light
Galicia
Hasta luego mi amigos. 

Sing me out Simon and Garfunkel


Hazy Shade of Winter
Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, it's bound to be a better ride
Than what you've got planned
Carry your cup in your hand
And look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend
That's an easy thing to say, but if your hope should pass away
It's simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, it's the springtime of my life

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime

I look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Look around, leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground...

Look around, leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground...

Look around, leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground... 



One more thing... I am not taking a break from reading my favorite blogs.  I need to read those now more than ever.  They help guide me in ways that are hard to describe.

The Center of What?

I was catching up on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and found this little gem. It is well worth watching all of. Two key messages to the Democrats:

• They will not let you in the car.
• Democrats - you are the majority, it is your car.

Come on Democrats, sack up and show you have the majority. If you continue to be weak and believe you are beaten, then you do not deserve to hold the majority.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-january-27-2010/blues-clueless

The Femme Fatale

Angelina Jolie
Dan Winters

In guy world there is the Ginger or Maryann question. Which would you choose from Gilligan's Island, Ginger or Maryann? If you don't know these characters, Maryanne is the wholesome and pretty farm girl. Ginger is the femme fatale. The modern version of this question, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?

Femme fatales are one of my weaknesses. I don't know if it is the drama, the crazy passion, the dark sultry looks, or all of these combined. What makes me, and many other men, desire these dangerous relationships? They rarely end happy. Most of the time they end with things broken, cars keyed, and reputations hurt.

My first college girlfriend was a femme fatale. That was a very short and passionate relationship with too much drama, but the time together sizzled. I haven't had one since.

I think the male version of femme fatales are the bad boys. In high school, so many of the girls I wanted to date liked the bad boys. What makes us desire femme fatales and bad boys? The danger and passion is definitely a draw. Maybe we hope we can experience living on the edge through them.

Here is a song from a diva femme fatale that I am attracted too.




v

Palm Springs and 11AM Light

Rough

We are on a vacation - our first since August 2008 where we aren't visiting family . We are staying four nights in Palm Springs, CA. I will not bore you with all of the travel tales or photos. The latter will take a few days to edit down to a select few.

Today's treasure was finding the Palm Springs Art Museum. I was shocked at how big and complete it is. They have a great exhibit called The Passionate Pursuit: Gifts and Promised Works from Donna and Cargill MacMillan, Jr. It contains the history and many great examples of post modern and pop art since the 1960's. I am very impressed by the collection by the breadth of it and also the willingness to have sexual/nude content for a big mainline museum.

The museum has a great outdoor sculpture garden, while I appreciated the layout and displays of everything, I was saddened by seeing it with the 11am sun. I've always disliked the light from 9:30am - 1pm. To me, it is ugly, unflattering, has washed out colors, and feels awkward. It is like looking at everyone's faults for a few hours. It makes me feel like I do when I look at a Diane Arbus photo, awkward, uncomfortable and ugly. It feels like that pimple growing on your back that you feel when your shirt rubs on it, but you can't reach it.

Yesterday, we were in Joshua Tree National Park (which I will write about more in the next few days). It was mostly overcast with dramatic clouds. That is the only way I appreciate the 9:30-1pm light. It was truly beautiful there.

With those complaints behind me, I do appreciate that sometimes the world needs this awkward, ugly light to show us reality. Not everything is a botoxed, surgically enhanced, image photographed through a polarized filter. It can be really ugly. Maybe with that mindset, I can finally respect an Arbus photo, even though I don't like looking at it.

A Young Brooklyn Going for a Sunday Outing

Diane Arbus, 1966

PHOTO Note: Taken while I am typing this post. Forgive the quality, I used the camera on my Mac Laptop. I am sitting in a lounge chair by the pool at the fantastic Palm Springs B&B, The Rendezvous. We are staying in the Crooners Room. Next to us is the "Pretty in Pink Room" with a Marilyn Monroe theme. She actually stayed in that room in the 1950's. I am not attracted to blond hair, but there is something about Marilyn and Mae West that floats my boat.

I am smoking a fine cigar (a semi-annual treat) and drinking a fine red. The sun is setting over the mountains and the desert is looking magic. Life is good.

One Year On

It Started with Leila

December 15, 2008 Mission and Vision of the blog

I am pulled to simple messages, photos, images, sounds, and art. Sometimes the simplest things say the most things. The sensual world around us is so sweet and simple, yet will mess with our mind for days and make us wonder "what the fuck was that?" Those are the delicious moments I live for.

I am going to post my writings, photos, thoughts, moods, or whatever is needed for the time. My spelling is nominal, my grammar is almost acceptable. That will not be my point. I will also share works of others (and of course cite them) that I find important for the moment. This will not always be a daily blog, but I hope to contribute things that took some time to create or find and not just post something to show I posted.

What it was and what it became:
I was searching for clarity about what I wanted and desired in my art, creativity, sensual needs, and tried to create an outlet for all of these. I wrote some half-baked, long, sort-of haikus, sort-of poems, and rambled on about being randy. Now it feels like it focuses more on art and less on other life stuff. It has kind of reversed over the year.

I look back to the early days and see an edginess that I really like and kind of miss. It was much more raw. My writing had a yearning to express things I had never shared in my life. I also was trying to find my writer's voice. I dabbled in everything, especially sex and art. I am not sure if I regret the evolution of this blog to where it is now. I miss the old reckless abandon of the early posts though. I wonder if these changes reflect my efforts to avoid alienating readers with unpopular topics and imagery or just said all the wild things I needed to say?

Some of my most personal blogs shared a story of a friend's suicide, my bi-sexual curiosities, and a certain erotic story from Galicia, Spain. I still feel a bit raw when I read them and wonder of their value.

One of my favorite series of posts came from a comment someone left disparaging Katie's beautiful abundance of underarm hair. Dr. L wrote some great posts about it and that issue kept creeping back a couple of times. I hope some good came out of that discourse. My preference for women and body hair, if you are happy with it shaved or fully grown, then I am too. Both are sexy because the woman hopefully feels sexy with or without it.

I noticed many posts were inspired by reading others' blogs. Some of these bleed-over topics included censorship, sex, artist's anguish, and erotic imagery. I want to thank those who helped me carry on a conversation they started. I hope my additions pushed the topics further or in new directions.

Thanks to this blog and the many appreciated comments, I am starting to understand my artistic voice. I am not sure what the future of this blog holds. I appreciate the outlet and the many readers I've learned from. You kindred spirits are very important to me.

Resting

By the numbers:
Posts: 308 started, 281 published
6,258 visits from 85 countries
Country with most visits - USA - 3,797 visits
Country with fewest visits - Lesotho - 1 visit
Average time on site: 2 minutes 46 seconds
Average pages per visit: 3.66
Unique keyword search terms: 381
Most used categories:

1. Photos (135)
2. Chatter (46)
3. Censorship (33)
4. Candace (32)
5. Nostalgia is a dangerous thing (32)

First photo of mine uploaded: 1/25/09 Leila and Hana (Ying and Yang)


Date of first comment: 1/24/09 Chris St. James Also first follower!
Date of last comment: 12/10/09 Dr. L.
Followers: 20

Holding the Precious

Two Tries, Same Message

Woven
Photo by Karl

Version 1
I know that you

don't want to accept, but you
obviously can't un-ring the bell
needlessly done
through my exposure

cautiously we
avoid the
reality of the
erotic nature of it all

it hurts to see things that make you
feel these are perpetuating unreal expectations

you feel excluded yet
only you can decide
ultimately whether to accept yourself

reality is that we
each think we
are much
deeper than the other

too bad though our
history makes you mistrust the
identity I try to push
through my shutter.



Version 2
I really feel that you
don't want to view, but I
care enough that it hurts you.

If all this is objectifying and perpetuating things
you despise, you may
read and see things that alienate.

This is your choice for yourself to accept or denounce, for I continue.


__________________

Thanks Arnie for the idea. You deserve more credit.
(Selfish writing day)

One of the few pieces of music that makes me cry.


,.

Le Petite Mort - The Little Deaths

There
Photo by SB

As the final part of my "mini-deaths" series where I explore the idea of moments when our existence takes us out of the normal and maybe gives us a glimpse of death, or some other universe, I want to look at a positive one, "la petit mort" or "the little death." This is the one moment that has been evolutionarily programmed into us so our specie can multiply.

According to wikipedia, la petit mort is...

La petite mort, French for "the little death", is a metaphor for orgasm.

More widely, it can refer to the spiritual release that comes with orgasm, or a short period of melancholy or transcendence, as a result of the expenditure of the "life force".

What happens in that moment when we lose control of our physical body and the deepest human pleasure runs through us taking us to what some call "the little death?" Is this just a moment of physical reaction to stimuli with intense release of chemicals into our bloodstream? Is this a metaphysical moment, transcending the corporal being to a sensual spiritual existence?

As a scientist, I wonder why we evolved to have this moment of pure out-of-body ecstatic bliss that temporarily leaves us so vulnerable? It is a self-induced pleasurable mini-seizure. My thought is that if it wasn't something that every atom in our body both desired and then enjoyed, there would be little enticement for sex. Since this has been programmed into our coding for millions of years, we feel its pull stronger than any other instinct we have. I would even say it is stronger than the basic survival instinct because at that critical moment we are truly defenseless and both physically and mentally absent.

From a religious view, the orgasm may be a gift from the divine. It may be our one moment where we are in a divine state, a moment of baptism. It connects us to the life force we all share and are using to create life.

During the moment of orgasm, we go both into ourselves feeling every nerve release energy and also go outside of ourselves to a larger existence of pure pleasure. Well, at least that is how I feel. No wonder I write so much about sex .

I truly believe in the concept of "la petit mort." It is one moment we transcend our existence by succumbing to the most primal basic desires. Death is just a tad bit younger than life and it is one of the oldest organic conditions in our existence. Maybe by connecting sex to creating new life, the opposite of death, the orgasm gives us a taste of both in the blissful moment.


IMPORTANT NOTE: I mention sex and orgasm as a driver for procreation. I am not using this as an argument against the validity of gay and lesbian sex. I celebrate one of the outcomes of the sexual revolution that sex has risen above breeding in humanity and is a valued part of our personal self, no matter the orientation.
________________________________________________________

I found a website called Beautiful Agony where volunteers post videos of their own orgasms. What is unique about this is the lack of nudity or explicit activity. The camera focuses on the pleasure seekers face and neck only. It is fascinating to watch just the facial behaviors of both men and women during their peak moment. (There is a free preview clip on the left side) Like snowflakes, no two people have the same orgasm.

Having the blessing to see some one climax is beautiful and deeply personal. It is a moment where you are showing your true sexual self to another. As I mentioned in a previous post about "alone time,"

Some of the most intimately deep moments with a person were both of us together doing that. You have to feel very comfortable with the person to share that. I think intercourse is easier and less personal.

FINAL NOTE: In compliance with the FTC regulations, I am not getting compensated by Beautiful Agony for mentioning their site in my blog even though they offer it.

Travel, New Acquaintences, and Sad Realizations

"..."
Photo by SB

I got back from my four night trip to the UK on Thursday. On the flight home I thought about what I would write and nothing came to me. For eleven hours I searched for something from my quick excursion and there was nada to find. I was feeling sad about what I had discovered on the trip.

The large biotech I work for was swallowed up by a much larger european pharmaceutical earlier this year. They say they are combining the best attributes of both corporations. That is only lip service. They are going to assimilate us and we will become part of their soulless corporation.

My old company was not perfect, but it had a very unique soul. We always focused on the patient and cared about quality, innovation, and many other areas to help the patient. Yes, we made money from our products and that was important, but we, as a group, always knew the patient's health was our drive and motivation. Sadly though, the new corporation does not have that and is already starting to eradicate it from our culture. In a recent industry article, the experts estimated that within 5 years the unique culture of my old company will be gone. Needless to say, I am feeling pretty apathetic about the new situation.

From 1960-1991, my uncle worked for several large pharmaceuticals. Despite the number of different companies he worked for, he never quit and took another job. Each new employer came with an acquisition, take over, or merger. He told me I was lucky if I could go 15 years without this happening. I made it almost 10 years. As he said, "When the farmer sells his land, the farm workers go with it. Do your job and don't expect much from the new owners."

I flew to London to meet my new peers and leaders. My glimmer of hope came from meeting my new counterparts. They are good people. They are nervous too. When we first met, we stepped very carefully around topics, but by the end, we started to share common ground. I am glad I had this experience since I have to give an executive presentation at the end of September with one of my new peers.

After ten years of working for a truly great employer, I am sad to lose that unique environment. Maybe I have to look at this situation like a favorite tv series. The series had a good run and now it is time to end it. That may be true for my career in this industry as well. Maybe it is about time to wrap up it up, prepare for the next one, and then shut off the lights. I need a job I care about and believe in. I think art is the next one. Time to prepare for that.

How the Mighty...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Smoking Manly Cigar
Photograph by Annie Leibovitz

I just read that Annie Leibovitz is $24,000,000 in debt and may lose her photos if she can't pay her creditors. Ouch. I really like her work.

Annie Bio

Story about Annie's financial woes.

The photo above is one of my favorites of hers. For better and for worse, he is my governor. I think she captured his essence in this photo.

Bizarre Searches

I haven't checked my blog's performance on Google Analytics in a while. After seeing a few stats, I decided to see what are some search terms that lead readers to this blog. There were 203 unique searches leading to my blog. Many make sense. Here are some of the funny ones, the awkward ones, and even a scary one or two and my comments on them.

• Sensual Experiment Help ( I like that one... count me in for that experiment!)
• Model Mayhem See Through (See through what??? Ohh that "See through!")
• The avatar sexiness model mayhem (no comment)
• Sensual (pretty happy that one worked for someone to find my blog!)
• "how people look at art" ( I ask that question all the time)
• Private music of wicked words ( I want to hear that song)
• Anne Geddes (arghh.. my photographic nemesis!)
• Asian Massage (oh yeah... I forgot about that post)
• awesome short film paris car speeding (great movie!)
• becoming a masochist (that one hurt!)
• body painting men think 7 seconds (umm.. no clue on that one)
• crotch shot in hamlet 2 (so absurd it is funny)
• how to trigger sensual feelings from a memory (I want to write a post about that!)
• masturbate 2257 (2257 is not sexy to masturbate to)
• obsessed with sex (yes)
• pubic hair resurgence (DR.L WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!!)
• sensual gay black and white photos (I would take them and post them here!)
• sensual intercourse pictures (I would take them too!)
• sensual poems he fucks me (not too sensual)
• sensual scraps (very intriguing idea!)
• sensual zen in washington dc (it was a good trip)
• slow sensuous sex movies (interesting idea... maybe not porn.. would be great to see!)
  
• threesomesmmf (heh... none of that here)
• when a partner says, "I ache" (never thought to do a search on that)
• "8th grade" "d cups" (that one creeps me out and is pretty fucked up.)
  

Anyway... interesting searches.

I need to get this type of divorce too!

The Break Up
Uploaded by geertdesager. -

.

Today, I Finally Understood Forty

Begin the Burn - Burning Man '05
Photo by SB

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel.

Every workday morning I get up, shower, shave if needed, dress, let out the dogs, say my goodbye and drive to the bus stop. I board the company bus that takes me the forty-two miles through the East Bay, over the Bay Bridge, through SF on 80 and 101 and south to work by the airport. Most mornings I sleep. Today I watched the view and the guy sitting in front of me.

Tommy, a made up name, seemed to be new to the bus and was on it because he had to take a class at the main campus. He is a young big guy right out of college. He was commenting on everything from the bumpy roads to a cutie at a bus stop to the ferries crossing the bay to his seat mate. Tommy really annoyed me. I enjoy my quiet time in the morning and I didn't need the mile-by-mile description of my commute I have lived with for ten years.

I got out my iPod and started listening to the Smashing Pumpkins, Tonight, Tonight, and tried to tune him out. Why was Tommy so bothersome? Hadn't he been on a bus before going to work? Why was it shocking so many people rode the bus?

I looked out the window and noticed a big giant crane on a barge had been moved to the new Bay Bridge construction project. My mind instantly started wondering what it would lift and how much could it move. It was really exciting to see it. My mind's observations sounded like Tommy's.

At that moment I finally made a personal connection to something Dr. L commented on in my recent post, Me at 40. Here are her pearls she shared.

... I also remember turning 40 and finding it quite a satisfying place in my life. Even at the time I realized it was pivotal - that I was entering a new and improved phase of life. Foolish youth was over, and I was feeling the tint of wisdom in the way I was learning to live. I married the love of my life at age 40 and spend the intervening years in times as turbulent as any before them but finding myself better equipped to deal with come-what-may. And a lot came my way, believe me!

Be joyous at this time. It is the flip side of the A record - the B side - and B is Better.

I taught second grade for a while and was amazed how things I'd known so deeply were completely new to the kids. The sun is the center of the solar system. The capital of Montana is Helena. The question mark is used at the end of a question... which then meant teaching the different types of sentences.

Tommy was me a couple of decades ago. He was experiencing all this stuff for the first time and relishing the new experiences that are forming him. For a few miles I felt a loss of my youth that I did not have that innocence anymore. Then I reflected on Dr. L's words.

Foolish youth was over, and I was feeling the tint of wisdom in the way I was learning to live.

For the past few years I've undervalued my life experience. I thought the young had all the innovative creative ideas and were better than me for it. The older people had a wisdom that I greatly respected and were better than me for it.

Today, I realized that I am at a powerful intersection of my life. I have experience, passion, love, lust, ambition, desires and other powerful feelings and have the means to do something about them. I am not all-wise and a sage, but I have lived through a lot of life and need to honor what I have gained and lost over that part of the voyage.

So, thank you Tommy. I really hope you continue to notice everything around you because it will be part of who you are. Thank you Dr. L. for teaching me the value of where I've been does not doom me for the remainder of my life, but prepares me for the adventures I am going to have to survive and thrive through.

Ok.. enough of my carpe diem writing. Maybe tomorrow I will have an anguish and tortured mid-life post to share. As for today, I am going to celebrate what I have done and figure out how to do those things I still need to do.


I just watched this video for the first time in over a decade. It is lush with visuals of the old silent movies.
Tonight, Tonight
The Smashing Pumpkins

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

.
PHOTO NOTE - Dr. L shared a sad blog post about how fireworks frighten animals, sometimes to death. Her post made me rethink the annual fireworks traditions.

This fireworks/big fire from Burning Man had no such affect since non-human animals are not allowed at the event. It is held in the middle of a massive dried lake bed, miles away from any plant, animal, or life form. After the event, the organizers must clean the burn area to show no trace that it ever existed and file a report and be inspected by the Bureau of Land Management.

Looking for a Lost Photo and Other Bits

Calm and Dark
Photo by SB

A few years ago I saw a photo Ansel Adams took of Edward Weston's wife, Charis, up in the Sierras. I can easily find Weston's photo of her from the same trip, but not Adams'. I've tried every search combination on Google and Bing to no avail.

I think I am going to have to do this the old fashioned way and go to SF MOMA to research it. I hope they have something. I may also call the Ansel Adams gallery to see if they have anything.

At first I was miffed at not finding it. Now it is a fun photo-detective challenge... for a while at least.

Nude in Box
Ruth Bernhard

On other news. I finished my photography class. I feel I did very well. In the last week I may have discovered some deep personal things about my artistic voice. I am still trying to figure all that out and will write about it at some length in the near future. All I can say for now is I love Edward and Brett Weston's and Ruth Bernhard's work, but that is probably not my direction.

Nude, 1920
Edward Weston

I've been reflecting on the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong's stroll on the moon. I was a little over four months old and have no recollection of it. In my mind though, it was the greatest thing to happen in 1969.

My first memory of astronauts and the moon was getting a little moon buggy replica in a container of Tang. I played with that little toy forever and vaguely remember my parents telling me the astronauts had driven it on the moon. They even pointed to the moon for emphasis. I don't think I had a clue what they were talking about, but that is my earliest Apollo memory.

Like most kids, I wanted to be an astronaut. My parents said that it was too difficult to get the job and I should make astronomy a hobby and not have my hopes crushed by NASA's fickle choices. They said that about being a musician, artist, photographer, archeologist, paleontologist, fighter pilot and many other now-dead aspirations.... not all of them are dead. Someday I will forgive them for that, but not today.

Nude 175
Brett Weston

Ok, this blog post kind of got heavy at the end. I am always amazed how the rambling ones take unplanned trips to unexpected personal places.

Calm and Bright
Photo by SB

PHOTO NOTE - another from my projected word series. I am playing with exposure on this one. This is not a great photo, but it is fun to play with.

If Man Landed on the Moon Today - Bonus Post

Makes me miss Walter Cronkite and when the story was the news, not how we reacted to it.

When in Doubt...

When in doubt, take it personally. Lee O.R.

I had a colleague and friend I used to work with in my company before I moved into my current role. This weekend, I washed my hands of him.

Lee is a hip forty-something who plays guitar, writes music, and thinks more of himself than his talents can carry. He has some good self-preservation traits and is very charming. As I slowly learned over the past year, he also uses people at their own cost.

Lee taught me the quote above. I don't know if he invented it though. With Lee, you can not be sure.

Lee used me for ideas and was a master at subtly changing things so he would get the credit and not appear to have stolen them. At work, he took my ideas for projects that I had talked with him in confidence about to get feedback and he would propose them to the boss before I could. He used me as a photographer for his promotional materials pro-bono.. and even uses the photos on Facebook and Myspace. No credit.

The final straw came last Friday. He stopped by my office to say "hi" and see if I wanted to go to lunch. As is natural with him, he is unhappy where he is living and wants to move to Marin with his family. He wants the musical opportunities available there. He thinks Marin is his where he will break through.

A few minutes later I told him I went to a conference in Washington DC in April and met a few high-up folks at a Marin-based corporation and one of them was recruiting me to come work for them. Lee told me he had applied for a position at that company. He asked me the guy's name wondering if he had chatted with him. I dug up the business card and handed it to him before going to the bathroom.

As I headed back to my office I saw Lee leaving the photocopier with a copy of the business card. He then said, "Maybe I should talk to this guy. Sounds like he has pull." I was speechless. I couldn't even say, "What the fuck?" He gathered up his computer bag and left saying, "Good to see you. Take care and let's do lunch again."

This time I took it personally.

Quantum of Solace

The Yawn
Photo by SB

I am not commenting about the latest Bond movie which I found very disappointing after the great Casino Royale. I am talking about what that term means. Quantum of solace = a measurement of comfort.

I am a bit worn out and stressed out. I am coming to the end of my photography class with all of the pressures of the final. I am not sure if I will have a job past August. My home life is in a tense state of eggshell, tip-toeing (from both parties) peace.

I want a quantum of solace, a moment of zen, a time of peace. Maybe this weekend I will go to the top of Mt. Diablo (Mount Devil, my favorite local mountain) and leave behind some of my personal diablitos.

Beacon on Mount D.
Photo by SB

Some in my family and circle of friends would say I need to get back to church. I am fortunate to attend (sporadically) a very liberal and open church, but the light from my personal connection to faith is about as bright as a dimmer switch set at it's lowest point before the light is extinguished (ever notice how loud a light hums when it is barely on?). One person asked me if I am having crisis of faith. I would have to feel pretty worked up about something to feel like it is a "crisis." I am not feeling much of anything about it.

I need to recharge the potential energy of my passions. Without that, it is difficult to convert it to kinetic energy and do something. As of this moment, I want to sit back on one of the dunes in the photo below from Death Valley and just watch the rest of the world go by for awhile with out my needing to be part of its movement.

Dunes
Photo by SB

On a side note, I just read an interesting article about a movie called Zabriskie Point that was recently released on DVD. It was released by director Michelangelo Antonioni to much criticism in 1970. It has been put in many "worst movies ever" lists.

Lines
Zabriskie Point - Death Valley Nation Park
Photo by SB

Zabriskie Point is a beautiful overlook in Death Valley National Park. A part of the movie takes place there. There is a sensual sex scene from it. It was very famous and scandalous and took place on the movie's namesakes location. It looks like it would have been fun to film and or act in the scene. Read the Slate article to learn more about it.

.

.

Confirmation...

Symmetry
Photo by SB

I just talked with the model I am photographing tomorrow. We are working on transportation logistics since she is visiting the SF area. It feels good to get the confirmation as it gives me the energy to complete the set up of my studio. I have to sweep and dust one more time, set up the backdrop and lighting, set up the computer and the... wait, that is the secret part.

I have a question about Michael Jackson's will. Didn't he own the Beatles catalog? What will happen to that? I really hope it will be be put on iTunes so I can finally buy some of their music.

I guess this is a rambling post. If you want to read some substance, I suggest you go to WHAT WE SAW TODAY. Joe and Dr. L. both provided great posts. Joe's post about coming home to Detroit after falling in love with New Orleans is very deep felt and personal. Dr. L.'s post about true love and our inability to celebrate it should make everyone ask themselves about their own love and ambitions.

My Old Girl
Photo by a family member