The Mute Button

Since getting sick, I've lost my voice. My Doctor told me to quit talking. My wife heard him and I reflexively said, "OK," with a croak. They both gave me a scowl.

Since yesterday, I've had to live with the "mute" button on. It amazes me how much I talk... at work, at home, on the bus, to strangers, to friends, on the phone, at the store and so many other places.

Last night I had one of my bad-dream episodes (honest, I will go to the doctor for that too) and started talking in my sleep. This brought on a huge coughing fit that wracked every part of my body with pain.

Today, I got a phone call at home. I stupidly answered... more coughing. I had to hang up and text my wife to call the friend and explain.

During lunch, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, Top Gear from the BBC. It is an uber-machismo automobile program that is well written and usually pretty funny. During one segment I started "laughing out loud" (LOL), which went into "coughing out loud" (COL) then ended up with "rolling on floor, coughing my ass off" (ROFCMAO).

Beside having the fear of coughing attacks, I've had to listen... without offering a reply. My God that is hard. There is some part of my brain that feels I must respond. Am I really replying with anything of value? It makes me think of one of my dogs.

When a fire truck goes by, my dog starts howling a mournful sound. It sounds like her soul is hurting. After a minute of howling, she starts barking. I usually tell her, "You are just barking now." It is funny because she looks at me like I snapped her out of a fixation.

I am now wondering if most of my spoken communication is howling, or am I just barking nonsense? Am I saying things with meaning or just blathering to hear my voice, or a mixture of both? It makes me appreciate the "STFU" post-it note I keep in my notebook. It is important to remember that sometimes I need to "Shut The Fuck Up." Too bad there isn't a remote with that button on it.

So, while I am living with the "mute" button pushed I am hoping to learn to listen a little better. That is something most people need practice with as well. Care to join me and just listen?