Treatments

 In need of treatment here.  My cold lingers.  My job is threatened again.   Personal issues are boiling over.  One salvation is treatments.  They are a healing time to get to know what I love. 

Here are four treatments of the same photo of Leila. Seeing these makes me want to write her right now and set something up.  We will see.  As for these photos, I am digging the grain and edge that some have.  Click on each for a larger view. 

I wrote a book report on Fight Club over at brother blog Hear Me Roar.  The book is a great read.

For better or for worse...

For better or for worse,
In sickness and health.

First, I am feeling better. I am still coughing a bit, but my energy is back and I finished my antibiotics. My mood is better because the mute button is off! Today is the first day I've been able to sit down and write.

This month is a crazy one for me. Yesterday, I photographed a friend's wedding. Next week, I am flying to New York to attend (but not photograph, thank God) another wedding. The week after that I am flying out to Washington DC for a conference.

Last Thursday, I returned to work while still having the "MUTE" button on. By Friday, my voice was almost back, just had no endurance. Yesterday, I drove down to Fresno for the wedding.

It was a pretty day. The groom was handsome, the bride was truly beautiful. Most of the families behaved and old family issues stayed barely below the surface.

This is the third wedding I've photographed. All were free. What did I learn from photographing a wedding?

1. Have a plan and shoot list, but be ready to bend it, break it, and then return to it.
2. Have batteries, memory cards or film, lots of them.
3. Try not to flirt with the women... too much.
4. Do not photograph weddings for money, unless you are good at it and really love it. Unfortunately, neither are true for me.

So, this last week of mine is aptly named, For better or for worse.

The Mute Button

Since getting sick, I've lost my voice. My Doctor told me to quit talking. My wife heard him and I reflexively said, "OK," with a croak. They both gave me a scowl.

Since yesterday, I've had to live with the "mute" button on. It amazes me how much I talk... at work, at home, on the bus, to strangers, to friends, on the phone, at the store and so many other places.

Last night I had one of my bad-dream episodes (honest, I will go to the doctor for that too) and started talking in my sleep. This brought on a huge coughing fit that wracked every part of my body with pain.

Today, I got a phone call at home. I stupidly answered... more coughing. I had to hang up and text my wife to call the friend and explain.

During lunch, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, Top Gear from the BBC. It is an uber-machismo automobile program that is well written and usually pretty funny. During one segment I started "laughing out loud" (LOL), which went into "coughing out loud" (COL) then ended up with "rolling on floor, coughing my ass off" (ROFCMAO).

Beside having the fear of coughing attacks, I've had to listen... without offering a reply. My God that is hard. There is some part of my brain that feels I must respond. Am I really replying with anything of value? It makes me think of one of my dogs.

When a fire truck goes by, my dog starts howling a mournful sound. It sounds like her soul is hurting. After a minute of howling, she starts barking. I usually tell her, "You are just barking now." It is funny because she looks at me like I snapped her out of a fixation.

I am now wondering if most of my spoken communication is howling, or am I just barking nonsense? Am I saying things with meaning or just blathering to hear my voice, or a mixture of both? It makes me appreciate the "STFU" post-it note I keep in my notebook. It is important to remember that sometimes I need to "Shut The Fuck Up." Too bad there isn't a remote with that button on it.

So, while I am living with the "mute" button pushed I am hoping to learn to listen a little better. That is something most people need practice with as well. Care to join me and just listen?

Bad Dreams

Since I was about 22, I've had sleeping problems. I sleep talk, sleep walk, have night terrors, among some of the near nightly events. Almost every night is a dark tour of persecution, fear, and anxiety. Let me tell you about a few of the incidents.

One night I knew we were in our bedroom. There was somebody else in the room that was going to kill us with a knife. I said out loud to my wife, "He is in here and we need to get out, but if we move he will see us." Needless to say that freaked her out.

Last night I dreamed that my wife had read my creative journal (very private to me) and had written comments of disgust in them. I slept walked down a flight of stairs to find my journal to and read her comments.

A week ago, after reading a bit about 2257 and censorship, a number of photographers in my dream were accusing me of stealing their photos and were tagging all my photos on the internet as fraud. I went down to my computer to see how bad it was. Of course nothing like that had happened.

Many of the dreams are horrific and gory. Animals or people being dismembered with noise and smell and all of it and some sinister being saying I am the reason for the suffering, but not telling me why I am the reason. At first I am anxious in the dream, but I've had these so many times that I realize I am dreaming and wake up. The bad part is that when I fall back to sleep, the dream continues on like a bad soap opera through the night.

One night, I thought some thugs were breaking into my car in front of my house, so I went outside barefoot, wearing my pajamas, carrying a can of pepper spray. It was all a dream. I am glad I did not try to get my gun. Since then, I've locked away my firearms.

My wife will usually ask me in a a loud voice, "Are you dreaming?" That usually stops me in my tracks as I wander out of the room. I will then spend a bit of time either explaining to her what is happening and she becomes part of the dream, or I stay quiet and try to figure out what is real and is not. She knows that if I am heading to the bathroom, that is just a natural event. If I am heading for the bedroom door, I need to be stopped.

When I sleep walk, I know where I am, it is always in my home. I never sleep walk when I am sleeping in a strange place (hotels, camping, etc.). I think that is because my eyes are open and the image of the strange setting is different than the familiarity of my room, so it wakes me up.

All of the dreams where I get out of bed our talk or take any real physical action have the common theme of me being persecuted. I am not getting whipped or hurt, but I am getting stalked or something I care about is being damaged, hurt, or killed. The anxiety this causes makes me want to check to make sure everything is OK.

Ever since I can remember, my dreams have always been vivid, and feel so real. As a kid I would have recurring dreams in the exact same place and situation. They were not all bad or good dreams, just every few years, the same dreams would pop up again.

My biggest fear is that I am going to hurt someone. I also fear that I am going to fall or get hurt. I have good dreams most night as well.

Most mornings I wake up refreshed so I am not feeling exhausted. I love the good dreams. They are an unexpected gift that I relish the next day, especially the sexy ones.

I don't snore much according to my wife, so I don't think it is sleep apnea. I try to watch what I eat so I don't have acid reflux. I've tried sleeping on my side, back, stomach, with extra pillows, with no pillows. None of that helps. I have the problem when I am thin or thick.

Unless I sleep in different beds every night, I don't know what to do. I am getting tired of this, no pun intended. Is this something that can be treated or is it something I need to live with?


NOTE - Photos found without citations. I usually don't like to use uncredited photos, but these images were important for today's post.