Cul de sacs

Hana and Leila - 111610

The term cul de sac is French for "bottom of the bag."  That sounds about right.  I went for a walk this weekend in a new neighborhood full of them.  It kind of felt like living at the bottom of the bag, the end of a road.

I've been taking stock of my life a bit over the last few weeks.  One thing I've done is started identifying my personal cul de sacs.  These dead ends are things in my life I don't need to go down any further.  Some of them are hopes from my youth, desires that are no longer relevant, artistic pursuits and interests. 

DISCLAIMER - I support the LGBT community and want everyone to celebrate their sexuality.  I hope everyone has a rich, rewarding sex life. What I am about to say is not my judgment of these groups or their erotic love.  It is about my preferences.

When I look back at my images with Leila and Hana, I am now getting a feeling this is a cul de sac. 

I took those photos in 2004 and loved looking at them.  I appreciated the beauty, the lines, the moment from each image.  Hana and Leila shared the gift of their caring, passionate intimacy with me.  I was  aroused making them and working on them afterward.

Leila and Hana - 111610B

Since 2008, I've had other feelings about sapphic imagery.  These changes are due to many reasons.  One of the biggest is that I am finding them less and less arousing for my own personal desires.  Now when I see these photos, I see the deep attraction Leila and Hana felt for each other and shared off camera as well.

I wrote more about my evolving views on sapphic erotic imagery here (The appeal of sapphos and threesomes), where I go into much greater detail.  I fully support others taking these photos, but I think I am done.  I have reached the end of that cul de sac and it is time to find other things to photograph.

Photo note - I've used a black and white variation of this photo before.  I think the BW version is better, but I like the accent of Hana's red panties.  It adds a little pop to this image.  I would work with either of these models again... just not together.   The lightning struck once, and that was enough.  More photos of Hana and Leila.

WARNING - Dangerous Scam Photographer - WARNING

My friend and model, Valya, told me of a model/photographer horror story during our shoot.  She had recently worked with a guy who stole money from her, refused to pay her, and also touched her inappropriately at the end of the shoot.  She reported him to Model Mayhem, the FBI, and other agencies.

Today, Valya posted at her blog that the creep has popped up again and is seeking models in the Virginia and Washington DC area.  He uses various aliases.  At the bottom of this post is the information that he is using for his solicitations.  Please visit her blog (link here) for her contact information if you have any questions about this.

Every model I've worked with has been a gift, and Valya stands with the best of them.  She is a true professional who brought her "A+" game to our session.   She is also a genuinely nice person.   It angers me that someone did this to her and many other models as well.

Our community of photographers and models is special and we look out for each other. PLEASE CONTACT THE FBI IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THIS GUY.

Below is the text I copied from Valya's blog.
Please be aware of this man who victimizes females who model nude:

his emails:
peekture.taker@gmail.com
fotovisionz@gmail.com
fokusfoto@gmail.com
cgarbiano@verizon.net
female.photographer@gmail.com
(last two emails he is pretending to be a female photographer named Jami or Carol, and/or it's a female accomplice)

his cell #'s:
804-435-5090
804-247-2801   

some previous aliases:
Jim Hines
Jay Hanes
John
Carol Garbiano
Jami
Fokus Foto
FokusFoto
PeektureTaker (his recent myspace handle, prior to which it was fokusfoto)

Please pass this on and and feel free to contact me if you would like more information.
Stay safe,
Valya

Thanks to all.  Treat each other well and be careful.

Halloween

I Was Actually Happy
Photo of and by Karl

Halloween is a special holiday. So few of us know the history of this holiday and I am not going to repeat it, here is a Wikipedia link to it though. I like it because it is a time for us to be something other than what we are. I can be a cowboy, Darth Vader, Don Juan, Thor, or any disguise I choose. I appreciate this freedom to show a side of myself that is not seen or to take on a new disguise to experience it.

Maybe I like this because I get to be me. Maybe my disguise is what I wear everyday and my true self comes out Halloween. I've talked about a great scene from Kill Bill 2 where Bill talks about how Superman is different than any other super hero. He is Superman and his costume is Clark Kent. With all other super heroes, the opposite is true. Peter Parker wears a costume to become Spiderman.

I wonder if I am wearing a brilliant disguise everyday. Not all of the true me is seen since I am afraid how others will view me. This makes me sound like I have multiple personalities. I don't. I am Karl, but I have parts of me that are private. The more I think about it, maybe it is fine to have a part of myself that is mine to keep, be, and enjoy. That core bit of private self may be what makes us unique in this universe.

PHOTO NOTE - I was actually very happy that day. I was standing at the top of Mount Diablo and enjoying a perfect afternoon.

I've shared this video before. I really need to listen to this song every once in a while.

Bruce Springsteen - Brilliant Disguise
Uploaded by jpdc11. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

First Contact

Then He Turned
Photo by SB

Today was the first time I have met someone through this blog. I had the pleasure of having lunch with Stephen Haynes who writes the blog, Magic Flute Fine Arts Nudes.

We met in the quaint South Park neighborhood in SF at a little coffee shop/restaurant. We chatted about food, wine, his book, the law, traveling and many other subjects. Sadly, I had to get back to work. We finally started talking about art on the walk to my car. Maybe next time we can start on that and expand because that is what is a major part of both of your lives.

I hope he enjoyed the SF MOMA and the Adams/O'Keefe and Avedon shows.

--------------------------------------

In other news, CalTrans is closing the Oakland Bay Bridge from tonight until early Tuesday morning. If you have not been to the Bay Area, the Bay Bridge is the most heavily used span of all of the eight bridges. It is the main bridge connecting the East Bay to SF. I cross it twice every day for work. Tomorrow, I am going to work from my home and then Saturday I am going to have to cross it catch a flight to London. It will be perfect for my wanderlust. I will write more about that whirl-wind trip later.

Photo Note: This is probably my favorite from my photos of Andrea. We watched an Avedon documentary in class last week. I practiced his technique for getting his subjects to slip into moods. He would not say, "Look sad." He would guide you to think about something heavy and dark, like your own mortality, by leading you through deeper questions while he quietly clicked away.

Andrea recently broke up with her boyfriend and we talked about how it went. I asked her to think about how she had watched him turn around and walk out of her life and for her to think about her first emotion at that moment. She was quiet for a couple of minutes. Andrea is a tough woman and this was the most emotional photo I took. After the entire photo shoot, she requested to see that one photo. She said it hurt to think of that moment, but she needed to start working through the end of that relationship and this was a small step.

I tried having her think of happy things, angry things, arousing things, and many other emotions. The best photos came from the happy and the break up guided moments.

I am curious on how other photographers and models have gotten into various mood for photo shoots. What worked for you?

The Appeal of Sapphos and Threesomes

Just Two
Photo by SB

In Stephen Hayne's blog, Magic Flute Nudes, he asked what the appeal of lesbian erotic photos is for heterosexual males. I wrote a brief summary of some of the psychological theories I found through a quick internet search on the topic. Here is what I wrote.

Let me dust off my 20 year old psychology degree and try to find a theory about why guys like lesbian erotica. I did a quick internet search for theories on this. Here is a stab at it.

When a guy sees erotic photos of a man and a woman, they can feel intimidated by having a man there. This guy in the photo is competition. It is difficult to feel a part of the scene with another guy there. Only when the photos are closeups and hardcore can most men disassociate the guy and put their own feelings, presence and desires into the photo.

If the photo is of two women, the sense of competition is reduced or eliminated because of a misogynistic impulse to think, "All those women need is a real man, and that is me." The lesbians I know definitely disagree that is "what they need."

This is one of theories I found. There were others though centering on the idea of 3-somes and also being dominated by two women.

I need to think on my own feelings concerning these types of images, since I have made some myself. Maybe that could be a future post.

Good questions. Good photo. Good post.

I believe there are subtle variations and combinations of reasons that are more applicable for an individual's desires. As for mine, they have evolved.

From the beginning of my viewing of erotic, pornographic, artistic, implied lesbian erotica, I found them very arousing. I love looking at the feminine physique and seeing two women together in a sexual presentation was even better. If the content was video, the sounds and movements were even more enticing and arousing. The content did not have to be explicit to make me appreciate it.

A few years back, I enjoyed photographing Leila and Hana together. Their genuine affection for each other made the moment feel real and not so scripted. During the photo shoot, I did not feel like a voyeur since I had a participatory role in it. My role was behind the camera and capturing the event and adding direction as needed. I wasn't just a viewer. Was I aroused during the shoot? Not really. Later that night though I did have some very sensual dreams.

Not long ago, my views of lesbian erotica greatly changed due to a very personal issue between my wife and myself. I am still uncomfortable writing out the full issue here, but if you go through my entire blog you will see I've softly touched on it a number of times and you can get the idea of what happened. Because of this I am torn between being aroused seeing the images, but also feeling emotionally hurt by them.

As I mentioned in the theory comment I put on Stephen's post;

If the photo is of two women, the sense of competition is reduced or eliminated because of a misogynistic impulse to think, "All those women need is a real man, and that is me." The lesbians I know definitely disagree that is "what they need."

This is very true. I recently saw an interesting scene from Showtime's The L Word. A homophobic and deep-in-the-closet older police officer has pulled over one of the main male characters who caught his girlfriend with her lesbian lover. The cop asks why he was speeding and the upset boyfriend tells him the story. The cop offers this.

Sammy is the cop, Tim is the boyfriend in the script.

Sammy: You ever watch pornography?
Tim: Um...
Sammy: You don't have to answer that. We all do. You know, we spend our whole lives watchin' porn. We never see the warning. There it is. You know that scene, where, uh, two women are gettin' it on? Guy comes in, he's all hard, y'know, he's gonna give it to 'em, he's gonna fuck 'em good. We think that's what those chicks want. The meat. That's not it. They're having a good time without him. They're going down on each other, you know, they're, uh... they're up in there, they're licking everything, a guy comes in, he's ready to unload... that's not what they want. They got their eyes squinted up, like, uh... someone's gonna pour gasoline on 'em. There's your warning. (stands up) That's why this country's homosexuals... are so dangerous. (leans back down) When you got two people... they got the same equipment... and they both know how to treat it... how could anybody of the opposite sex compete with that? That's how they get ya. (a beat) You, uh... try to drive the speed limit, okay?
Tim: (a beat) (nods) I will.

I don't agree with Sammy's pessimism or defensive attitudes against homosexual sex as being "so dangerous." The male fantasy to join two lesbians and believing, "..all they need is a real man." is dishonest and false. I don't think there is a part for a third in a threesome or between two lesbians that don't need a man. They are together for each other and a man will not make it complete. I doubt a woman would have much success joining two gay male lovers in the same circumstances either.

A few of my friends have tried the different combinations of threesomes. MMF, FFM, FFF, and MMM. All of them said it was at best a failed experiment and at worst, an end of a relationship. If you throw in the factor of love and someone feeling left out and jealous, then mutually rewarding and beautiful threesomes are only a myth of the porn industry.

For better or worse, the appeal of lesbian erotica and threesomes has greatly diminished or evaporated completely for me. I encourage photographers to photograph these scenes, but I am not sure if I will. I still like looking at the pictures though, but the erotic personal connection to them is both arousing and hurting.


Personal note. This is not a well-argued point. I am just trying to figure out how I feel about this topic. As we all know... feelings and logic are not friends.

PHOTO NOTE. I scanned this on my dusty old scanner. Sorry for the millions of dust spots. I tried to get rid of as many of them as I could.

Yet Another Hypocrite

Need to get a photo about hypocrisy... maybe next time.

I don't judge him for having the affair. I hold him accountable to his "pro-family" platform and ultra-conservative agenda. At least he is resigning, unlike Sen. Craig from Idaho who did not have the balls to do so. (STORY HERE)

Like I said, I am not judging him for the sex, it is his hypocritical stances he preached to us all is the damning part for me.

Moments after submitting his resignation letter, Stanley went on a talk radio show in Memphis to say that his actions did not shake his moral ideals.

In nearly a decade in the Legislature, he repeatedly cited his belief in abstinence outside marriage as he opposed gay marriage, adoption by gay couples and family planning funding for Planned Parenthood.

"Whatever I stood for and advocated, I still believe to be true," he said last week. "And just because I fell far short of what God's standard was for me and my wife it doesn't mean that that standard is reduced in the least bit." Emphasis by me, not original news story.

This was the party that impeached President Clinton. Enough said.

The Onanistic Self

Other Thoughts

Photo by SB

First, a poem by Joseph J. Capista

Playboy's Guide to Lingering

We read lingerie as lingering.
An innocent mistake, yes, though
we didn't dally in Patel's humid
newsstand amid hanks of cigared
tobacco and men in coveralls logger-
heading with the Pennsylvania Lotto
to expand our budding tongues
but to confuse the single shelf
of cryptograms and crosswords
with the candied shelves of pornos.
Despite our lousy decoding, we
proved adept disrobers, kid-minds
keen to peel what we'd later call satin
from skin like we peeled bright, waxy
clementines slipped in our stockings,
our reward for a year of skirting Satan.
Nonchalant as bubble gum, we thumbed
them cover to cover, lingered, elbowed
one another while we dittoed each
sweet image deep in memory's folds:
love's coy postures, saddle-stapled.
And that is how we imagined
it would be for us on those winter
afternoons: flimsy resistance, a finger's
steady pressure, the split of soft fruit.
We'd puzzle over language later.
For now, we had more important
things on our hands to misread.

Today, I am going to write about alone time. I mean that type of "alone" time. We all do it. Some of us treat each occurrence as a sensual ceremony. Some treat it with about as much passion as brushing their teeth. Sadly, some feel deep shame about it (side note... they should not feel shame about masturbation, but where they do it and what they are fantasizing about may be another issue).
I can't remember the first time I touched myself in any sensual way. I do remember my first climax from doing it though. I was thirteen and found one of my older brother's Playboys that he didn't take to college. When the climax ended... my life changed. I had never experienced anything so internally powerful, intense, or wonderful. It almost hurt, but I knew I wanted to do it again. There was some deep primal urge to want that. For me, I think that was truly a day I started to become a man and a human.
The physical product of it was a big surprise. In sex education, the teacher had mentioned ejaculate, but just what it contained and that it would happen. In some way, the full mental, soulful, and both body-physical as well as physical relic of the moment made it complete. There is something sensually important about all parts of it, including the cleaning up.

Since that day almost three decades ago, I still desire it. It is the only routine activity in life that I deeply enjoy. Dinner may be a distant second. Sleep is OK when I don't have night terrors. I can't consider intercourse as routine because it depends on participation of another.

For me, the greatest reward is not the end, but the journey. Whether it is fantasy-based, visually inspired, spontaneously enjoyed, shared with another person beside me, or whatever it brings, the build-up is the ultimate pleasure.
Since masturbation is a type of sex, my tastes for it and intercourse are similar. It is all about the journey. I love a long erotic journey as much as I like the quick, intensely passionate sessions.
We all have triggers, stimuli, and needs that make us take this solitary journey. Mine are mostly visual like the things I mentioned in Those Simple Little Things. They include a scent, a memory, a sound, a voice, a setting, or most anything can send me along my way was well. Being a sensual (and/or very horny) guy, it doesn't take much of a trigger. I wonder what are triggers for others.
Some common things that must happen during the session. Even if it is a photo of a stranger that starts the journey, I must have some connection to the person other than that. It could be as simple as a shared glance on the bus, a deep conversation, worked together, ongoing correspondence, and other personal interactions. For this reason, I never had a movie star play a role in the "monent" except one who I met at an event. We shook hands and chatted for fifteen seconds. That was enough.
As mentioned above, alone time does not have to be alone for me. Some of the most intimately deep moments with a person were both of us together doing that. You have to feel very comfortable with the person to share that. I think intercourse is easier and less personal.

Pull

Faith in Bodie
Photo by SB

You pull me too close,
your lips brand their intent
into my soft neck

Your sultry hands pull
upon my reluctant needs, almost
shifting them to pull you back

Your eyes pull me into
your clouded world too close,
with animosity internal

I pull away too late
for our beings become polluted together
by a spreading stain

Thanks Stephen Haynes...

http://www.modelmayhem.com/sidebphotography
Me and the book
Note - I am trying to redact (cover up) her tush with my hand, hoping this photo does not fall under 2257)

Look what came in the mail last night. I finally got Stephen's book and started reading it on the bus to and from work. I will get my early review of it out of the way first. I have read about half of it and here are some of my thoughts.

I work in a highly-regulated industry (big pharma) and have read my fair share of the Code of Federal Regulations (CFRs). They are dry, boring, dense, confusing, and too often vague. Stephen's book helps make the CFRs concerning nude photography (2257 and other numbers) understandable. His interpretations are down-to-earth and well thought out. As a small time photographer of nudes (very different than a nude photographer... I doubt too many models would like to see a nude guy behind the camera) I need this book and highly recommend it.

Here are my first impressions of 2257. Stephen, as well as a friend of mine who is in the UC Berkeley school of law summarized one aspect of 2257 well. It is a "chiller." It will chill the enthusiasm of the photographer since the burden of documentation is so high. Most will abandon the daunting project of CYA in terms of this law.

So, how compliant am I with 2257? After reading a bit of the book, I would say I am ok, but not bullet proof. The problem is that saying I am sort of protected is like saying I am sort of pregnant. I definitely need to get some things better organized and controlled. I am comforted to know that I have the basic model information documented and saved.



My big question to everyone is, "how do you fight it?" I can tell my progressive friends about it and they will agree that it is censorship and join the cause. The hard part is to make a logical, factual, and convincing argument to the fence-sitters and even the proponents of this piece of crap regulation.

How do you answer the statement and question, "This protects kids from being exploited into making child pornography. Are you for lessening their protection?" How do you logically (and succinctly since the fundamentalist mentals who support this love sound bytes) rebut this and go on the offensive?

Seriously, does anyone have suggestions for talking points when presenting this topic? I can always talk about my experiences, but I want to go beyond that and have a strong argument against this censorship law.

Are You a Superman or a Batman?

Ok, first of all, let's take gender out of the super hero name. My question has nothing to do with it. My question concerns how you view the world.

I just watched Kill Bill 2 again. If you have not seen either Kill Bill 1 or 2, here is a brief summary. Uma Thurman's character, Beatrix Kiddo, is a highly-trained mercenary assassin that works for Bill (David Carradine). Beatrix tries to secretly leave the assassin business after she finds out she is pregnant with Bill's baby. Bill and his assassins find her 9 months pregnant at her wedding rehearsal and guns her and the entire wedding party down. She survives and seeks revenge.

Now, how does that have any bearing on my question, are you a Superman or a Batman? Watch this clip and then let us discuss. One note, just before this clip, Bill has shot Beatrix with a truth-serum dart. You will understand while you watch it.

I find Bill's understanding of how Superman views humanity as a very interesting concept. Bruce Wayne is Bruce Wayne, but he becomes Batman as a super hero. Superman is Superman, but he becomes Clark Kent to fit into humanity.

Whenever I watch this scene, I can see myself as Superman then think about it and I am Batman then back to Superman. Who am I? I often wonder if I become something I am not just to blend in. I become the nice quiet "good" guy that helps others, does his job well (enough).

When I get a camera in my hand, a blog on my computer, or get into the right group of people or very special person, I am not as much of a "good" guy. I don't hurt people, but I can be very selfish, demanding, and wanting. On the other hand, am I the nice quiet guy, but I become the other side of me (kind like the Hulk)? Which one is truly me because they are very different lives?

Remember when albums and cassettes had a Side "B"? It was the music you did not hear because the popular songs were on the other side. Some feel that this music was garbage used to fill up the album. These songs were usually darker and rarely appreciated for their unique music and stories the musician was telling. I feel this music was better since the musician was not trying to make a "hit" out of every song. They wrote and sang what their mind, soul, and spirit wanted to express. We all have a side "b". For me it is the dark side. It is not an evil side, just not as naive or innocent as I am most of the time. (It could also be a mid-life crisis coming on?!) My Side "B" is the part of me that not many people get to see. It would shock some, scare others, make some laugh, and seduce a few. This side has lots to offer to art, yet would not go well with my Side "A" life and art. After thinking about who I am, I created the SB nickname I use here. SB stands for Side B.

So am I Side A (Batman) or Side B (Superman/SB)? Maybe I am both. I have no idea.

In an earlier post, I wrote about the disguises my wife and I wore (and probably still wear). To quote a section of Bruce Springsteen's song Brilliant Disguise,
"I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand...
... So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise"

What do you do to fit in with humanity? Are you something else, but due to what society and culture demands, you put on a disguise that is not you? Are you a Superman?

On the other hand, are you a Batman? Are you yourself, but at times put on a disguise to be something beyond what you are that allows you to do things you can not do otherwise? What are those things that it allows you to do?

As Unbearable Lightness wrote in a comment to my earlier post:
It's true, we all wear disguises, and not always the same one every day. Maybe it's a necessary thing.

She Wore a Briliant Disguise

I heard this song for the first time in over 10 years today. I had to pull over my car and absorb it. As I get older, I am starting to understand Bruce's songs. This one sums up one of the worst times in my life. We both wore a brilliant disguise I guess.

Brilliant Disguise
Bruce Springsteen

I hold you in my arms
as the band plays
What are those words whispered baby
just as you turn away
I saw you last night
out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind
To know just what I've got in this new thing I've found
So tell me what I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise

I heard somebody call your name
from underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame
underneath your pillow
Well I've tried so hard baby
but I just can't see
What a woman like you
is doing with me
So tell me who I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise

Now look at me baby
struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart
when out go the lights
I'm just a lonely pilgrim
I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it's you I don't trust
'cause I damn sure don't trust myself

Now you play the loving woman
I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand
We stood at the alter
the gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours
Well maybe baby the gypsy lied
So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise

Tonight our bed is cold
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of


Side note. I just watched this video twice. I am a big fan of black and white so this video fits my visions well. I also appreciate the simplicity of it. Just Bruce in a kitchen, all shot in one take.