Goodbye Rosa Kleb! and Thoughts on "Breeders"

Yesterday, I learned more about the history of feminism than I had in the prior 40 years. Dr. L's post about it was amazing, informative and thought provoking.

Here are a couple of my thoughts about her post and the current societal realities we face.

First. I commend her father for believing in her freedom to be what she has become. It is beautiful. My parents are not perfect. They believed too much that following your dreams would lead you to poverty. I have written about their dream-killing tendencies before so I will spare you of them now. On the other hand, they were openly healthy about sex.

When I was 13, my family got HBO. My mom told me the rules of what I could watch on it since it had/has very adult content. She said, "I don't worry if you see shows with nudity or sex. Please don't watch the violent movies though. Sex is part of life and violence shouldn't be." How little did I appreciate how big a part of life sex would become. I am glad the violence is not.

I remember when I found my parents hidden copy of "The Joy of Sex." Holy shit, that was an eye opener. I was 13 and had just started feeling the deep arousal from sex. You could say that book was my first "porn" and I am glad it was. The illustrations and text were so sexual, sensual, and healthy (for the time, they may seem dated now) and were probably better in my psycho-sexual development than a copy of Hustler. I would spend hours looking at the simple pencil drawings and wonder how it would feel to live them.

My parents never hid or hide their sexuality. I am not saying they advertised it or crossed any illicit boundaries with us. They were openly affectionate with each other. They had a talk with both my brother and me that they needed alone time. If the door was shut, do not barge in. Please knock. Of course, being an impulsive 10 year old, I did barge in once without thinking and never saw so much human flesh trying to get under the blankets so fast. The importance of this was that it taught me that sex is something to be enjoyed at all ages as we grow older and it is something for both partners to desire and enjoy.

As I grew older, I've found so many interesting beliefs and contradictions in how people view sexuality and sex. One of these areas that both fascinates and annoys me is the group I refer to as the "breeders."

Breeders really piss me off. Breeders are people who assume that all life's purpose is to create offspring. My wife and I have been together almost 18 years. If you have read my blog, you know our marriage is far from perfect. One issue though that we have no problems with is our desire not to have children. We are not anti-child. We love our friend's kids. Our nieces are very special to us and I am proud to have been a part of their life.

Here is a sample conversation with a breeder (paraphrased from many such conversations I've endured. I have been asked each question though).

"So, how long have you and Ann been married?" she asks while pouring coffee.

"About 18 years." I reply getting the creamer.

"How many kids?" she asks. This question is usually the first red flag that you are talking to a breeder. Non-breeders usually ask "Any kids?" I don't mind being asked if I have kids. They are a big part of others' lives. Just don't assume I have them.

"None." I reply cautiously. She gives me shocked look.

At this point the questions can come in any order.
"Have you tried?"
"Is your wife not fertile? "
"Are you infertile?"
"Why haven't you had kids?"
"Are you doing it wrong?"
"Why don't you want to have kids?"
"Why are you married if you're not going to have kids?"
"Are you or is she gay?"
"Any miscarriages?"
"Aren't you afraid of dieing alone?"
"What about your family? Aren't they pushing you to have kids? You don't want to disappoint them."
"What about your family name? Don't you care about your legacy?"
"Do you hate kids?"
"Did you have an abortion?"
"Is this a decision you made for your wife? All women want to have babies." Yes, I've been asked that.

At this point I am usually very pissed off and they then lecture me about how selfish I am. I have a good job, a home and a wife. I should be having kids. It is God's plan for us to have kids. They also then tell me that we are not young and the clock is ticking.

I usually try to answer them civilly. If they get the clue that we don't want children and leave it alone, I stay civil. If they continue to poke I get as extreme as they do by using sarcasm. My responses may or may not reflect my true beliefs, but if they are going to push me, I will push back. Some of my bitchy answers are:

"Don't you want children?" My answer. "Nope, don't believe in them. I don't need them to validate my existence."

"What will you do if your wife becomes pregnant?" My answer. "Kill the son of a bitch who did it." or "I am sure I will love it eventually."

I also will say something like, "I prefer my dogs since, I can leave them in the backyard all day alone and no one will call child protective services on me." Breeders hate that answer.

If they continue harassing, I usually end it with, "Look, I view sex as recreational, not procreational."

There are many reasons I don't want children. Some are selfish, some are petty, some have pretty good merit as well. I wont go into them in this post, but they are my beliefs.

So, how does this tie into what Dr. L mentioned? My point is that some people still view humans as breeders and that is our only purpose and is the only purpose of sex. I know the purpose of sex from a biological point is to reproduce. From a survival of the species aspect, I appreciate other people having kids.

As humans, we have free will. We have the ability to reason and understand abstract constructions. We are not purely instinctual beings. We can find meaning in art. We can feel empathy, pain and love for strangers. We can find justification for any deed, good or bad. We can also fuck with out making kids.