Wisdom from Z

Z wrote a comment on yesterday's blog. Here is an important part of what he wrote.

"Encouragement is rare because, I think, most people don't want to share any responsibility for you fucking your life up. I say make your art whatever it takes. The rest will take care of itself because it has to. You'll only inflict on yourself the pain you can bear."

I really appreciate your comment. This part is especially true. My parents grew up in the depression and my dad became a civil engineer and my mom became a nurse. Two very stable jobs that provided our family a good middle class life. The stability is crucial to them.

When I was in high school, I told them I wanted to be a musician. I remember them frowning and saying, "Don't make a hobby a career. You don't want your passion for it to be dependent on money. It will ruin it for you."

My parents believe that dreams are meant to be pursued in your off time. Work is for making money. I understand their view since they had been poor and didn't want me to struggle. So they wanted me to play it safe and reach for mediocrity.

I am tired of being half-assed at what I am doing. It is time to be something, even if it fails. Now I have to figure out the next steps.

Thanks Z(Check out his blog Any Fucking Day.)

Getting Torn in Two

DESPAIR.COM

I read Z's blog yesterday. He wrote about feeling like a fraud. That about sums up my feelings. I feel like I am living a "half-assed" life. I am in a good job that does important things, but I have almost no passion for it. I am middle-aged and feel like I have not achieved anything of importance.

I've been fortunate to have had an easy life. I make good money, have a reasonable mortgage, and could get by for a little while if I didn't work. I've gone to college a few times and have the degrees on the wall to show I attended.

I've also have a really screwed up marriage (both of our fault) that some stupid part of my brain or other body part wants to destroy by doing stupid things. I get enthused about something, then rarely finish it. You should see how many project piles exist in my home and in my life.

I have a lot of friends turning 40 this year. One is getting into marathons. One drank her birthday weekend away. Another refuses to talk about it. I know 40 is not old. I look at what Z and his wife are doing as well as Unbearable Lightness and am amazed at how they are younger in soul and spirit than me. While 40 is not "old", it is no longer "young" either.

Yeah, I know. Another balding guy (I prefer the term "too tall for my hair")with a mid-life crisis. You probably wonder:

• Will he get the Corvette to be young and fast? Yeah, I want one, but I know the exhiliration of speed would fade and I would want a faster, more expensive toy to fill a void.
• Will he have an affair? I've cheated, but affairs are too personal. I am fighting not to get in one now. My spouse had a deep love affair that I am not sure is over. My marriage and sex life is screwed up enough trying to figure out if Iam too old for some of the things I desire and should accept it.
• Will he get into drugs/alcohol? Not my style. I have tried and like some of those things, but one glass of wine will do 99% of the time.
• Will he find faith? Tried that when I was 31. I've failed that one pretty bad and don't feel I deserve (or maybe even desire) grace, forgiveness, compassion, and the strength of a higher being.
• Will he get into trying to recapture his youthful athletic prowess? WTF? I didn't have much of that back then. I was in good shape and was in sports, but I was not the star of any sport.
• Will he try to express his mid-life anguish through art, as cliche it could be? Maybe that is what I am doing with my photography and my blog. Are they last desperate calls for trying to hip, cool, and important?
• Will he stop whining and STFU (shut the fuck up)? I rarely, if ever discuss this with people through talking. If you talk to me in person, I will keep this stuff bottle up in me until I die. If you are reading this and you want me to STFU... hit the "Next Blog" at the top of the screen.

Ok, I've spent this whole post bitching. I am rarely a complainer, but sometimes it just is crushing. My existential angst of my meaningless existence. I feel this crushing despair, then I see people suffering from war, poverty, repression, and other horrible situations and I look around and see I have it alright. That makes me feel even more worthless. I don't have a reason to bitch except that it gives me a negative outlet.

Painting With Light

I am going to experiment with this over the next month, although I will change the approach. I am going to point the flashlight beam away from the camera to "paint" the surface of the subject. Eventually, I want to try this with a model after practicing on things around the house, after dark.

In other news, I am starting to get an itch to make a life change. I am still trying to define it, but I need to do it now. Sorry for the cryptic nature of this, but until I get my head sorted out a little bit, I don't want to say too much.

Have a great day.

The Pleasures of Simple Moments

Simple pleasures, yes.
They surround and consume me
taste, touch, all senses

A warm evening out
outdoor cafe, the sun sinks
Sangria, warm breeze

You in my arms
Your legs around me, pulling me in
you deep.. we sigh

Dark, early morning
waking, feeling you so close
The silence so lush

Soft curve of your back
my fingers trace each smooth line
your hips, thighs and up

The shadows move up
your sleeping beauty, bathing
you in dark light

Geese flying on an
autumn evening, pointing south
together in travel

Deep dark chocolate
melting, mixing, with red wine
on your warm tongue.

Alone, together -
doesn't matter. They are all
sweet treasured beauty.

What are those simple moments that help make your life beautiful?

Got Hair?

In continuation to my "What The Fuck" post yesterday, I am dedicating today's post to women who choose/chose to keep their hair. Somebody wrote a rude comment about a model I photographed that did not shave her armpits or pubic hair. Here are some more photos I am sure commentor will not like, but I find are beautiful.

Unbearable Lightness mentioned a very famous photo of Tina Modotti in her comment. Heer is Tina photographed by Edward Weston. Tina was also a great photographer as well as writer, model, actress, activist and role model. She was also very beautiful.

Tina Modotti
Edward Weston

Edward Weston took a number of photos of his wife Charis. This very famous photo has some interesting history because her pubic hair. After the photo below was released, Edward and sons Cole and Brett were nervous about sending prints due to laws concerning obscenity sent through the mail. They took out a magnifying glass and had to see if any pubic hair was showing and if so how much due to the laws. If you look closely, she also has hair on her legs. I am glad Weston captured her beauty in this photo.

Nude, 1936
Edward Weston

So, I tip my hat to everyone who controls their bodies and how they choose to celebrate their beauty. If you are happy shaved, hairy (armpits, pubic, head, anywhere), tattooed, pierced, or any other form of free choice, I support you... and I would really like to photograph you to show how uniquely beautiful YOU are, not what the popular culture thinks is beautiful. Here is a blog entry about the resurgence of pubic hair due to the economic downturn. http://www.radicalleft.net/blog/_archives/2008/12/14/4017691.html

What the Fuck????

Katie 2 Au Natural

By SB

I just got a comment on my post about Katie. Some anonymous cowardly hack wrote:

"She needs to get a razor. Yuck!"

I almost didn't publish it because of how disrespectful it was to Katie. I decided to publish it because this type of ignorance / stupidity / ... grrr. I am running out of adjectives I am so mad. I understand if you have a critique about my photo, (too dark, too light, lousy composition, wrong model for the setting, bad exposure, wrong media, etc.) but what the fuck are you getting at?

Is your view of beauty only limited to women of Maxim and Playboy that do not have an extra hair anywhere and where they have hair, it is in the absolute perfect place?? While I appreciate those types of photos, they are not the only types of beauty in this world. You are missing out on seeing so many beautiful people if you feel this is the only type of beauty.

I think the trend for women to be completely shaven is one of choice. While it is the current trend, I find great beauty in shaven women as well as "natural" women. When did we get so narrow minded?? I am so pissed right now. I am going to go for a walk after posting this.

Are You a Superman or a Batman?

Ok, first of all, let's take gender out of the super hero name. My question has nothing to do with it. My question concerns how you view the world.

I just watched Kill Bill 2 again. If you have not seen either Kill Bill 1 or 2, here is a brief summary. Uma Thurman's character, Beatrix Kiddo, is a highly-trained mercenary assassin that works for Bill (David Carradine). Beatrix tries to secretly leave the assassin business after she finds out she is pregnant with Bill's baby. Bill and his assassins find her 9 months pregnant at her wedding rehearsal and guns her and the entire wedding party down. She survives and seeks revenge.

Now, how does that have any bearing on my question, are you a Superman or a Batman? Watch this clip and then let us discuss. One note, just before this clip, Bill has shot Beatrix with a truth-serum dart. You will understand while you watch it.

I find Bill's understanding of how Superman views humanity as a very interesting concept. Bruce Wayne is Bruce Wayne, but he becomes Batman as a super hero. Superman is Superman, but he becomes Clark Kent to fit into humanity.

Whenever I watch this scene, I can see myself as Superman then think about it and I am Batman then back to Superman. Who am I? I often wonder if I become something I am not just to blend in. I become the nice quiet "good" guy that helps others, does his job well (enough).

When I get a camera in my hand, a blog on my computer, or get into the right group of people or very special person, I am not as much of a "good" guy. I don't hurt people, but I can be very selfish, demanding, and wanting. On the other hand, am I the nice quiet guy, but I become the other side of me (kind like the Hulk)? Which one is truly me because they are very different lives?

Remember when albums and cassettes had a Side "B"? It was the music you did not hear because the popular songs were on the other side. Some feel that this music was garbage used to fill up the album. These songs were usually darker and rarely appreciated for their unique music and stories the musician was telling. I feel this music was better since the musician was not trying to make a "hit" out of every song. They wrote and sang what their mind, soul, and spirit wanted to express. We all have a side "b". For me it is the dark side. It is not an evil side, just not as naive or innocent as I am most of the time. (It could also be a mid-life crisis coming on?!) My Side "B" is the part of me that not many people get to see. It would shock some, scare others, make some laugh, and seduce a few. This side has lots to offer to art, yet would not go well with my Side "A" life and art. After thinking about who I am, I created the SB nickname I use here. SB stands for Side B.

So am I Side A (Batman) or Side B (Superman/SB)? Maybe I am both. I have no idea.

In an earlier post, I wrote about the disguises my wife and I wore (and probably still wear). To quote a section of Bruce Springsteen's song Brilliant Disguise,
"I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand...
... So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise"

What do you do to fit in with humanity? Are you something else, but due to what society and culture demands, you put on a disguise that is not you? Are you a Superman?

On the other hand, are you a Batman? Are you yourself, but at times put on a disguise to be something beyond what you are that allows you to do things you can not do otherwise? What are those things that it allows you to do?

As Unbearable Lightness wrote in a comment to my earlier post:
It's true, we all wear disguises, and not always the same one every day. Maybe it's a necessary thing.