Today, I Finally Understood Forty

Begin the Burn - Burning Man '05
Photo by SB

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel.

Every workday morning I get up, shower, shave if needed, dress, let out the dogs, say my goodbye and drive to the bus stop. I board the company bus that takes me the forty-two miles through the East Bay, over the Bay Bridge, through SF on 80 and 101 and south to work by the airport. Most mornings I sleep. Today I watched the view and the guy sitting in front of me.

Tommy, a made up name, seemed to be new to the bus and was on it because he had to take a class at the main campus. He is a young big guy right out of college. He was commenting on everything from the bumpy roads to a cutie at a bus stop to the ferries crossing the bay to his seat mate. Tommy really annoyed me. I enjoy my quiet time in the morning and I didn't need the mile-by-mile description of my commute I have lived with for ten years.

I got out my iPod and started listening to the Smashing Pumpkins, Tonight, Tonight, and tried to tune him out. Why was Tommy so bothersome? Hadn't he been on a bus before going to work? Why was it shocking so many people rode the bus?

I looked out the window and noticed a big giant crane on a barge had been moved to the new Bay Bridge construction project. My mind instantly started wondering what it would lift and how much could it move. It was really exciting to see it. My mind's observations sounded like Tommy's.

At that moment I finally made a personal connection to something Dr. L commented on in my recent post, Me at 40. Here are her pearls she shared.

... I also remember turning 40 and finding it quite a satisfying place in my life. Even at the time I realized it was pivotal - that I was entering a new and improved phase of life. Foolish youth was over, and I was feeling the tint of wisdom in the way I was learning to live. I married the love of my life at age 40 and spend the intervening years in times as turbulent as any before them but finding myself better equipped to deal with come-what-may. And a lot came my way, believe me!

Be joyous at this time. It is the flip side of the A record - the B side - and B is Better.

I taught second grade for a while and was amazed how things I'd known so deeply were completely new to the kids. The sun is the center of the solar system. The capital of Montana is Helena. The question mark is used at the end of a question... which then meant teaching the different types of sentences.

Tommy was me a couple of decades ago. He was experiencing all this stuff for the first time and relishing the new experiences that are forming him. For a few miles I felt a loss of my youth that I did not have that innocence anymore. Then I reflected on Dr. L's words.

Foolish youth was over, and I was feeling the tint of wisdom in the way I was learning to live.

For the past few years I've undervalued my life experience. I thought the young had all the innovative creative ideas and were better than me for it. The older people had a wisdom that I greatly respected and were better than me for it.

Today, I realized that I am at a powerful intersection of my life. I have experience, passion, love, lust, ambition, desires and other powerful feelings and have the means to do something about them. I am not all-wise and a sage, but I have lived through a lot of life and need to honor what I have gained and lost over that part of the voyage.

So, thank you Tommy. I really hope you continue to notice everything around you because it will be part of who you are. Thank you Dr. L. for teaching me the value of where I've been does not doom me for the remainder of my life, but prepares me for the adventures I am going to have to survive and thrive through.

Ok.. enough of my carpe diem writing. Maybe tomorrow I will have an anguish and tortured mid-life post to share. As for today, I am going to celebrate what I have done and figure out how to do those things I still need to do.


I just watched this video for the first time in over a decade. It is lush with visuals of the old silent movies.
Tonight, Tonight
The Smashing Pumpkins

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

.
PHOTO NOTE - Dr. L shared a sad blog post about how fireworks frighten animals, sometimes to death. Her post made me rethink the annual fireworks traditions.

This fireworks/big fire from Burning Man had no such affect since non-human animals are not allowed at the event. It is held in the middle of a massive dried lake bed, miles away from any plant, animal, or life form. After the event, the organizers must clean the burn area to show no trace that it ever existed and file a report and be inspected by the Bureau of Land Management.