Is it Jealousy, Envy, Betrayal, or a Feeling of Failure?

 Sunset on Mt. Diablo

Short post today.  I saw a few photos of a model I had worked with taken by another photographer.  I've seen other photographers' images of all the models I've been honored to work with.  Many are truly amazing works and I feel good putting my photos beside theirs'.  I like seeing how other photographers captured their beauty and art.  This time though it is not sitting well with me.

When I first saw these photos I felt a slap on the face of my artistic machismo cheek and another back on the artistic aesthetic cheek.   I was speechless at the sting of these images.  They were of the type I wanted to create deep down in my soul with her, but did not.  Why didn't I get these?

I can be envious, but rarely overly jealous.  This felt different.  I felt jealous of their output.  I felt betrayed by the model that she didn't share she was willing to experiment in this direction.  I felt they stole my idea and desire for creating these images and anger that their work turned out so damned good.  Finally, I hit a moment of realization at where the true problem stemmed from, me.

I felt a sense of failure and cowardice for not asking her if she would do this.  I know that models have different levels of comfort with different photographers and she may have not felt comfortable doing this type of work with me.  By my lack of not asking and sharing my vision and just communicating better, I will never know if I could have created that session instead of seeing some other photographer's painful creations.