The Mute Button

Since getting sick, I've lost my voice. My Doctor told me to quit talking. My wife heard him and I reflexively said, "OK," with a croak. They both gave me a scowl.

Since yesterday, I've had to live with the "mute" button on. It amazes me how much I talk... at work, at home, on the bus, to strangers, to friends, on the phone, at the store and so many other places.

Last night I had one of my bad-dream episodes (honest, I will go to the doctor for that too) and started talking in my sleep. This brought on a huge coughing fit that wracked every part of my body with pain.

Today, I got a phone call at home. I stupidly answered... more coughing. I had to hang up and text my wife to call the friend and explain.

During lunch, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, Top Gear from the BBC. It is an uber-machismo automobile program that is well written and usually pretty funny. During one segment I started "laughing out loud" (LOL), which went into "coughing out loud" (COL) then ended up with "rolling on floor, coughing my ass off" (ROFCMAO).

Beside having the fear of coughing attacks, I've had to listen... without offering a reply. My God that is hard. There is some part of my brain that feels I must respond. Am I really replying with anything of value? It makes me think of one of my dogs.

When a fire truck goes by, my dog starts howling a mournful sound. It sounds like her soul is hurting. After a minute of howling, she starts barking. I usually tell her, "You are just barking now." It is funny because she looks at me like I snapped her out of a fixation.

I am now wondering if most of my spoken communication is howling, or am I just barking nonsense? Am I saying things with meaning or just blathering to hear my voice, or a mixture of both? It makes me appreciate the "STFU" post-it note I keep in my notebook. It is important to remember that sometimes I need to "Shut The Fuck Up." Too bad there isn't a remote with that button on it.

So, while I am living with the "mute" button pushed I am hoping to learn to listen a little better. That is something most people need practice with as well. Care to join me and just listen?

War Photographer - James Nachtwey

War victim of machete attack
James Nachtwey

Last night my photography class watched the documentary, War Photographer. It documents the photos and work of James Nachtwey, a world- renowned war and conflict photographer. The movie was filmed in the late '90's and 2000. It was released in 2001.

War Photographer is a difficult movie to watch. Some students had to leave because of the harshness of the images. For me, the toughest scene is where Nachtwey is photographing a Kosovo family grieving at a funeral. The deceased's mother sees the coffin coming toward her and she starts screaming and crying, "My son is here... my son is here." During this time, Nachtwey is up close using a wide-angle lens, shooting away. At first some students were disgusted with his intrusiveness during such a tragic private moment. None of the family told him to go away. He became a fly on the wall and wasn't noticed.

After the class, we discussed the movie. A sharp teenage student wondered what the difference is of Nachtwey being so "instrusive" and a paparazzi. Good question. We floated it back and asked, "What is the motivation of Nachtwey and what is the motivation of a paparazzi photographing Paris Hilton coming out of a bar?" That question answered hers. She said, "He wants people to see her suffering, to see what happened. Paparazzi just want trash."

In the movie, Nachtwey comments on how obsessed our culture has become on celebrity. This was before American Idol and other cultural celebrity fixations appeared.

Here are some of his most important quotes from the documentary:

For me, the strength of photography lies in its ability to evoke the sense of humanity.

If war is an attempt to negate humanity, then photography can be perceived to be the opposite of war. If it is used well, it can be a powerful ingredient in the antadote to war.

In a way, if an individual assumes the risk of placing himself in the middle of war in order to communicate to the rest of the world what is happening, he's trying to negotiate for peace. Perhaps that is the reason those in charge of perpetuating war do not like to have photographers around.

In the field, what you experience is extremely immediate. What you see is not an image on the page of a magazine 10,000 miles away with an advertisement for Rolex watches on the next page. What you see is unmitigated pain, injustice, and misery.

It's occurred to me that if everybody could be there just once... to see for themselves what white phosphorous does to the face of a child or what unspeakable pain is caused by the impact of a single bullet, or how a jagged piece of shrapnel can rip someone's leg off. If everyone could be there to see for themselves, the fear and the grief just one time, then they would understand that nothing is worth letting things get to the point where that happens to even one person, let alone thousands.

But everyone can not be there and that is why photographers must go there. To show them. to reach out and grab them and make them stop what they are doing and pay attention to what is going on. To create pictures powerful enough to overcome the deluding effects of the mass media and shake people out of their indifference. To protest and by the strength of the protest, to make others protest.
(Bolded for emphasis by SB)

Here is a clip from the movie. He attached a small video camera to the top of his Canon SLR to capture what he sees. I recommend you see the whole movie.

Wounded Bosnian Soldier
James Nachtwey

Our American Obsession(s), part 2

"Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact."

-- Marlene Dietrich

1. The sex we want, but can't have. (Part 1 yesterday)
   
2. The sex we don't want others to have. (Part 2, )

In my last post I wrote a lot of stuff (more of a ramble than cohesive thoughts) on the American obsession for sex and particularly, the sex we want, but can't have. Today I want to focus on our obsession with the sex we don't want others to have.

When we are obsessed with sex we want but can't have. We may have shades of what is right and wrong, but we are masters at rationalizing anything to get what we want. We can ignore the dangers of them if it helps us to get it. I am sure many sex offenders were able to justify their actions. I know I have "justified" some things that I should be ashamed of. There are so many subtle shades of gray between black and white.

Our obsession with controlling other citizens sex lives has just as many shades of acceptability. As I thought about this subject last night, I wondered what is the dividing line. Some subjects are beyond the pale as unacceptable (rape, pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, and a few others that I have forgotten.) There is no doubt these are hurtful and harmful, yet there are groups that argue for these types of "love" should be acceptable.

Overall, our culture has "acceptable sex" that is accepted almost universally as "ok." These may include, consensual sex between a married couple that is kept private. It is funny that it is easier to list "unacceptable sex" than "acceptable" for the current American culture. Personally, my list is the opposite, but I am either a pervert or free sexual spirit.

Here are some tough ones. What about fetishes that involve cutting, torture, humiliation, and other "rough" subjects that are performed between consenting adults? How about the new push in teen culture that oral sex is very common and practiced? How about certain parts of gay culture that push aside the risk of HIV, and other STDs, and practice and promote rough bare-back (sans condoms or any other safer-sex protection) sex?

In general, I am very open to how others enjoy their sexuality. I am not a submissive guy and am not really into submissive women. If being submissive is part of your core being and you get enjoyment from serving and submitting, good for you. Here is the hard part of it though. What if someone has a certain kink because of past abuse as a child? Is it wrong then? When can one fetish/obsession be acceptable for some and not for others?

Another question, you may be very open to certain sexual twists, but would you feel the same way if you found out your parents, siblings, or adult children had the similar or even more extreme sexual tastes? Personally, I hope my family members (no kids for me) have a happy healthy sex life. If one decides to come out of the closet and is gay/lesbian good for him/her. It would be hard though to think rationally if a family member did things I found extreme.

Controlling others' sex lives is a (sorry for the cliche) slippery slope. We need to protect children. We need to protect people from rape. At what point do we make the cut off though? If you listed out all the sexual twists that people can choose from, I could check off what I think is right and wrong. What makes my decision right for others?

This is where we have other issues of imposing our rules on others' bodies. With the new 2257 regulations, many artists feel inhibited. I was talking with a friend (former stripper/union shop steward at a unionized strip club, and former escort, now law student) about 2257. She is working on first amendment issues concerning sex workers. Her first word was that 2257 was a "chiller." It was made not only to restrict and regulate things, it was also designed to "chill" out the enthusiasm of those working on the fringes, even if it is legitimate work. I know I feel the chill. What I define as compliant with 2257, others may find obscene. I am a little concerned about it and need to learn more about it.

So, I have written ad-nauseum about the shades of grey of acceptable sexual proclivities. Let us look at the people on the extremes of the arguments. They are truly the people obsessed with sex.

The religious fundamentalist fanatics (any religion) who have a very narrow definition of "acceptable sex" are scary. Many of them find a rare incident and blow it out of proportion to promote their position. The more outlandish, outrageous, and sensationalized the incident, the more fuel they can get from it to limit others' freedoms. At one point they can no longer accept the person who chose a different sexual lifestyle. It becomes an "us" (the righteous) vs. them. There is no middle ground. You both may agree on 98% of all other topics, but because of the one difference in opinions, you will be thrown aside as the enemy.

I sometimes think the other side of the argument has the same problems. Living in the SF bay area, I have many gay and lesbian friends. Some of them got married last year. We all were upset when Prop 8 (illegalizing gay marriage) passed. What worried me was a few of them became so myopic about the issue. It became the only issue that mattered. They adopted the same us vs. them feelings their opponents held. It made me sad.

I guess all this comes down to two questions. Why are we so divisively obsessed on these issues? What is the right mixture of sexual freedom/ protection? I wonder how progressive cultures, like France, handle these same issues. What do you think?

Our American Obsession(s) (Part 1)

Marlene Deitrich
Photographer - Unknown

"Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact."

-- Marlene Dietrich

Why is this so true about America? Why are we so obsessed with sex? In my opinion we have two obsessions with sex in America.

1. The sex we want, but can't have. (Part 1)
   
2. The sex we don't want others to have. (Part 2, tomorrow)
   

The sex we want, but can't have. We are obsessed with things we can not have. We want the bigger car. We want the big house (I don't call them homes). We want the fancy new IPhone. We really want wild sex. We want a threesome with the two hot twins. We want to do it outside and almost get caught. We want to try a bisexual experience. We want to hookup with that hotty in accounting. We want anal sex. We want to be bound and gagged and forced to lick somenone's shoes clean. We want the sex you see on Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy, Entourage, The Sopranos, and MTV. We want the sex we imagine our friends and neighbors have.

It is not only that we want it. We feel we need it. We feel we are not living the American dream with out it. We feel lesser for it. We know it may be bad for us. We know it could destroy our relationships. We know we could catch a disease and spread it to people we love. We don't care. We need it.

Is this obsession stemming from the fear we are missing out on something so grand? Is it stemming from our need to keep up with our friends and neighbors? Is it like the obsession for the big Cadillac Escalade? Is it part of our psyche that we must consume things to feel complete? Maybe.

Let's think about that for a moment. Do we need to consume sex like we consume material goods like cars and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Are we consuming it to fill an empty emotional need related to materialism? Ouch, that hurts.

We have access to satisfy any type of sexual desire we could want. Some are legal and acceptable, some are so horrendously illegal and deviant. Most, probably, are in between... in that grey area. If we are willing to spend money, we can get it.

Is our obsession for sex a drug? The chemical surges that flow through our body when we are aroused and desiring or acting on our desires is a major high. Are we addicted to that? I wonder how the levels of sex addictions in the USA compare to other countries.

Is our obsession for sex fueled by impossible expectations propogated by a popular media and culture? Many people chastise popular media for setting up unrealistic physical expectations for how women and men should look. Brad and Angelina are idolized (and I will admit, both are very easy on the eyes) for their beauty. We feel pressured to look like them. Is this the same for sex?

We see so much sex in popular media. It is in the music, videos, books, magazines, tv, movies, and of course, the internet. Are we feeling inadequate because we aren't having the crazy sex that is shown?

Ok. So I think we are obsessed about the sex we aren't having. How are other countries dealing with it? As Marlene said, sex "... in other parts of the world [is]a fact." I feel part of this is due to the nosiness our culture has about others' sex lives. We need to know what everyone else is doing. We need to watch Paris Hilton's home-sex movie. We need to know about Brad and Angelina's sex life. There is no privacy because we need to know what you are doing in your bedroom.

I lived in Spain for a few months. I loved it there. It is a sexy culture. The people I saw in my day-to-day life were sexy. They knew how to dress. They knew what looked good on them. They knew how to flirt. While all of that was great, the sexiest part was they didn't care what you did behind your closed doors. That libertarian ideal was so refreshing. Of course they would not accept child abuse and other horrible sexual situations, but if it was between two consenting adults, it was fine. It was not a big scandal if a gay couple moved in next door. They were just neigbors. One of my favorite Spanish memories was on a warm October day walking on a nude beach. It was a public beach that had families, couples, singles, everybody walking around in some level of being dressed... or not. Toward the end of the walk I saw a sight that simbolizes this attitude of openess. There was a naked guy in his sixties talking with a fully-clothed guy (trousers, collared shirt, shoes, socks) about the same age who was walking his dog. They didn't feel awkward standing by eachother. It looked like two neigbors chatting about painting the fence. Can you imagine this going on in America?

So, we obsess about that which we can not have. Because of this we crave it all the more. Speaking for myself, I've done stuff in my life. I've taken and created opportunities to scratch unique itches (obsessions) because I felt I needed to do it. I am as obsessed with sex as the next American. What I have written above is not a judgement on others. I am part of it too. While I may not be as materialistically obsessed as my neighbors with their two huge fucking SUVs, I do tend to swing toward the erotic.

Part of my obsessions are to scratch those sexual itches. Others were to have a secret. Isn't it grand to have done something that few others have and to wear that knowing smile? I am not proud of everything I have done. I have emotionally hurt myself and others. While that was not my intent and is a deep regret, it is the truth.

I've been fortunate to have shared sexual experiences that were not a part of my need to build a collection of sexual conquests. Those are the ones that I truly smile about. They may have been a long term relationship or just a one-night experience, but they are treasured.

So, enough about me. Let me get back to discussing our first American obsession with sex, obsessing for thing we do not have. Have you ever obsessed about something so much that you desire it all costs? You see others getting it and feel hurt that you can't have it. Over time your atitude unconciously shifts to despising that which you want. Some part of your brain below concious thought has changed to the idea, "If I can't have it, neither can you." I wonder if this is one reason why we obsess about the sex we don't want others to have.

My First Nude Model... Disaster

Old Chair 1
Photo by SB

I still remember the first nervous moments of working with Lisa. I was working with a mentor and it was my day to shoot. Nothing quite prepared me to work with a nude model. I am thankful she was patient, supportive, and had great ideas.

We shot for almost two hours. Later that day I developed the film and was heartbroken. Only a few photos from the many medium format rolls I shot were any good. I had two major problems. First, I overexposed most of them. Lisa has very fair skin, so she lit up like a light bulb.

The second problem really sucked. If you have used a Hasselblad, you may know this. When you trip the shutter, actually two shutters are released and the huge mirror is pulled up and then dropped. All of this happens in an aluminum cube in a fraction of a second. The sound from a Hasselblad is instantly recognizable as a loud "kerrrplop." Because of all of this movement, it shakes the whole camera. Here is where I failed. I had put it on a cheap Velbon (under $50) tripod. It shook the whole tripod. So, almost all of the photos had motion blur due to the camera. How stupid was I? I put a $2000 camera on a $50 tripod. I don't blame my mentor. He never used a Hasselblad (he uses an 8X 10 large format camera).

The next weekend I went shopping for a new tripod. I ended up getting a very big, very heavy, slightly-used Bogen Manfrotto tripod with a ball head on it. I tested it with my Hasselblad and observed that it would take an 8.0 magnitude earthquake to move the monster. While it is heavy and big, it does have some great features. Each leg pivots independently so I can shoot as low as 15" off the ground or as high as 7' 6" and know that the thing wont vibrate. Needless to say, this tripod does not go on backpacking trips through Yosemite. I have never had camera-shake again.

A few weeks later I asked Lisa if we could do it again. This time it worked. Above and below are a few photos of her. In another post, I will mention how it was being a nude photography virgin. I am in the process of getting many of my older negatives scanned. Until then, I unfortunately have to use a cheap scanner that does not do justice to the original prints.

Model Mayhem

Hana and Leila
Photo by SB

My portfolio was finally approved by Model Mayhem (#1113965) . I am a member of One Model Place (OMP) as well, but so far I like the feel of MM better. I would like to use this as my primary photo for MM, but is it considered adult? I don't really see any body parts to make it that way. I guess I can do it until somebody complains.

What do you think of Model Mayhem? Any other sites to recommend?

An Artistc Diversion... Enjoy.

Hey everyone.

This movie is amazing. I how wonder how many people appreciate the creativity and dedication this took to make. You will be amazed how fast the seven minutes flies watching it.

First they came...

Title and Artist Unknown
Image Source

First they came...
Martin Niemoller

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

Then they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
I did not speak out;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out for me.

First, I am not saying the relatively small hardships we are facing with 2257 are the same as the the victims of the Holocaust. I am saying that apathy in times like this leads to an ever-increasing encroachment on our freedoms.

A few years ago, there was talk that insurance companies wanted to put GPS units on cars to record the mileage of their clientele. I was talking about this with a coworker, Denise. I was upset with this proposed idea and she didn't see a problem with it.

I argued my point that if they can track your mileage, they can also track your speed. They can track where you have been and when you were there.

Dee Dee responded, "So, I don't have anything to hide and I don't speed."

I replied, "It is not that I have anything to hide. It is nobody's business where I go and when I get there. "

She then asked,"If you have nothing to hide, then why are you worried what they will find out? That is a bit paranoid."

I was shocked. I had no reply. I knew she couldn't comprehend how offended and oppressed I felt by this incursion into my privacy.

This., for me, relates to 2257. Let's say I only photograph implied nudes. I would feel pretty safe in regards to the 2257 regulations. I would keep my records, but not be worried. One day I take a photo of a model that is implied to be naked and in bed. Her hands are tucked out of site under her as she lays face down. Her face is on the pillow. Her expression is of bliss with closed eyes. Could she be enjoying her sleep, or is she enjoying herself in other ways? Now I have to worry, which this is? What do I have to document now? Who determines what her intent is? Thankfully, I doubt this is an issue, so I would not worry about 2257. Years go by and nobody says "boo" about the photo, but someday, somebody might.

You may feel 2257 does not affect you. You may be right... for now. Once a right is infringed upon, it is damned hard to ever get it back. At some point, the censors may find what you have to say, create, or share as out of bounds and then it will affect you.

As Stephen says, "... Which is why 2257 is so insidious, as I've said before: it's not saying we can't speak; it's just regulating the construction of our soapboxes." I highly recommend you read his post. I also highly recommend you look at his book about the regulations. I will.

Goodbye Rosa Kleb! and Thoughts on "Breeders"

Yesterday, I learned more about the history of feminism than I had in the prior 40 years. Dr. L's post about it was amazing, informative and thought provoking.

Here are a couple of my thoughts about her post and the current societal realities we face.

First. I commend her father for believing in her freedom to be what she has become. It is beautiful. My parents are not perfect. They believed too much that following your dreams would lead you to poverty. I have written about their dream-killing tendencies before so I will spare you of them now. On the other hand, they were openly healthy about sex.

When I was 13, my family got HBO. My mom told me the rules of what I could watch on it since it had/has very adult content. She said, "I don't worry if you see shows with nudity or sex. Please don't watch the violent movies though. Sex is part of life and violence shouldn't be." How little did I appreciate how big a part of life sex would become. I am glad the violence is not.

I remember when I found my parents hidden copy of "The Joy of Sex." Holy shit, that was an eye opener. I was 13 and had just started feeling the deep arousal from sex. You could say that book was my first "porn" and I am glad it was. The illustrations and text were so sexual, sensual, and healthy (for the time, they may seem dated now) and were probably better in my psycho-sexual development than a copy of Hustler. I would spend hours looking at the simple pencil drawings and wonder how it would feel to live them.

My parents never hid or hide their sexuality. I am not saying they advertised it or crossed any illicit boundaries with us. They were openly affectionate with each other. They had a talk with both my brother and me that they needed alone time. If the door was shut, do not barge in. Please knock. Of course, being an impulsive 10 year old, I did barge in once without thinking and never saw so much human flesh trying to get under the blankets so fast. The importance of this was that it taught me that sex is something to be enjoyed at all ages as we grow older and it is something for both partners to desire and enjoy.

As I grew older, I've found so many interesting beliefs and contradictions in how people view sexuality and sex. One of these areas that both fascinates and annoys me is the group I refer to as the "breeders."

Breeders really piss me off. Breeders are people who assume that all life's purpose is to create offspring. My wife and I have been together almost 18 years. If you have read my blog, you know our marriage is far from perfect. One issue though that we have no problems with is our desire not to have children. We are not anti-child. We love our friend's kids. Our nieces are very special to us and I am proud to have been a part of their life.

Here is a sample conversation with a breeder (paraphrased from many such conversations I've endured. I have been asked each question though).

"So, how long have you and Ann been married?" she asks while pouring coffee.

"About 18 years." I reply getting the creamer.

"How many kids?" she asks. This question is usually the first red flag that you are talking to a breeder. Non-breeders usually ask "Any kids?" I don't mind being asked if I have kids. They are a big part of others' lives. Just don't assume I have them.

"None." I reply cautiously. She gives me shocked look.

At this point the questions can come in any order.
"Have you tried?"
"Is your wife not fertile? "
"Are you infertile?"
"Why haven't you had kids?"
"Are you doing it wrong?"
"Why don't you want to have kids?"
"Why are you married if you're not going to have kids?"
"Are you or is she gay?"
"Any miscarriages?"
"Aren't you afraid of dieing alone?"
"What about your family? Aren't they pushing you to have kids? You don't want to disappoint them."
"What about your family name? Don't you care about your legacy?"
"Do you hate kids?"
"Did you have an abortion?"
"Is this a decision you made for your wife? All women want to have babies." Yes, I've been asked that.

At this point I am usually very pissed off and they then lecture me about how selfish I am. I have a good job, a home and a wife. I should be having kids. It is God's plan for us to have kids. They also then tell me that we are not young and the clock is ticking.

I usually try to answer them civilly. If they get the clue that we don't want children and leave it alone, I stay civil. If they continue to poke I get as extreme as they do by using sarcasm. My responses may or may not reflect my true beliefs, but if they are going to push me, I will push back. Some of my bitchy answers are:

"Don't you want children?" My answer. "Nope, don't believe in them. I don't need them to validate my existence."

"What will you do if your wife becomes pregnant?" My answer. "Kill the son of a bitch who did it." or "I am sure I will love it eventually."

I also will say something like, "I prefer my dogs since, I can leave them in the backyard all day alone and no one will call child protective services on me." Breeders hate that answer.

If they continue harassing, I usually end it with, "Look, I view sex as recreational, not procreational."

There are many reasons I don't want children. Some are selfish, some are petty, some have pretty good merit as well. I wont go into them in this post, but they are my beliefs.

So, how does this tie into what Dr. L mentioned? My point is that some people still view humans as breeders and that is our only purpose and is the only purpose of sex. I know the purpose of sex from a biological point is to reproduce. From a survival of the species aspect, I appreciate other people having kids.

As humans, we have free will. We have the ability to reason and understand abstract constructions. We are not purely instinctual beings. We can find meaning in art. We can feel empathy, pain and love for strangers. We can find justification for any deed, good or bad. We can also fuck with out making kids.

Hyper Colors... but not.

Here are some strong colors. I hyper-saturated the colors then toned them back a touch. I am going to play with this photo more in different looks. The sad part is that when I uploaded it here it de-saturates. Oh well.

One last hurray before 3/18 (part4)

Getting a tad more racy. The juicy bits are coming in the next few days. I don't know if some of these or future photos cross the line, but I like them. Enjoy.

A Bite
Leila and Hana - Photo by SB

Getting There
Leila and Hana - Photo by SB

One last hurray before 3/18 (part3)

Someone close to me once said about nude photography (and I paraphrase);
"To me, color photos of nudes are not as artistic as black and whites... they almost seem like porn."

In honor of her, I took some of my photos and converted a few of them into black and white. (You may notice, the photos are slowly getting a tad more explicit with each step in this series. By the end of the series, they will be getting a good bit more edgy.)

Discovering
Leila and Hana - Photo by SB

One last hurray before 3/18 (part2)

More photos. These are some of my discards from my shoot with Leila and Hana that I am altering in Photo Shop for fun.

One last hurray before 3/18 (part1)

Between now and March 17th, I am going to post photos that are more explicit than I usually post. These are all my photos and yes, I do have the records. After 3/18, I will be very reluctant to post some of these photos again. Think of it as a last hurray before Big Brother hits with 2257.

Not all of these are my best photos, but I want to post them before the deadline hits. I understand that some may not see them as art. That is up to you to decide. If you do not like them, hit the Next Blog button at the top or leave a comment.. Most of these are from two sessions. One with Leila and the other with Leila and Hana.




A Dark One

The Deep River of Venom

To feel anger deep
in my bones, it takes a long
time for it to grow.

The rage, fever, hurt
feels like chemicals burning
every atom in me

My entire being
needs to lash out and
not just hurt, destroy

My fury rips apart
your humanity, your soul
until I feel avenged.

The self-righteous feels
just in my revenge, no mercy
no forgiveness, none.

After the enmity
washes out upon those of
guilt and not, no relief

The rancor festers
into a lifelong poison
that eats my life away.

SB

Photo Title: Anger
Photo Source: http://frendzyship.blogspot.com/2007/06/dealing-with-anger.html

Bad Dreams

Since I was about 22, I've had sleeping problems. I sleep talk, sleep walk, have night terrors, among some of the near nightly events. Almost every night is a dark tour of persecution, fear, and anxiety. Let me tell you about a few of the incidents.

One night I knew we were in our bedroom. There was somebody else in the room that was going to kill us with a knife. I said out loud to my wife, "He is in here and we need to get out, but if we move he will see us." Needless to say that freaked her out.

Last night I dreamed that my wife had read my creative journal (very private to me) and had written comments of disgust in them. I slept walked down a flight of stairs to find my journal to and read her comments.

A week ago, after reading a bit about 2257 and censorship, a number of photographers in my dream were accusing me of stealing their photos and were tagging all my photos on the internet as fraud. I went down to my computer to see how bad it was. Of course nothing like that had happened.

Many of the dreams are horrific and gory. Animals or people being dismembered with noise and smell and all of it and some sinister being saying I am the reason for the suffering, but not telling me why I am the reason. At first I am anxious in the dream, but I've had these so many times that I realize I am dreaming and wake up. The bad part is that when I fall back to sleep, the dream continues on like a bad soap opera through the night.

One night, I thought some thugs were breaking into my car in front of my house, so I went outside barefoot, wearing my pajamas, carrying a can of pepper spray. It was all a dream. I am glad I did not try to get my gun. Since then, I've locked away my firearms.

My wife will usually ask me in a a loud voice, "Are you dreaming?" That usually stops me in my tracks as I wander out of the room. I will then spend a bit of time either explaining to her what is happening and she becomes part of the dream, or I stay quiet and try to figure out what is real and is not. She knows that if I am heading to the bathroom, that is just a natural event. If I am heading for the bedroom door, I need to be stopped.

When I sleep walk, I know where I am, it is always in my home. I never sleep walk when I am sleeping in a strange place (hotels, camping, etc.). I think that is because my eyes are open and the image of the strange setting is different than the familiarity of my room, so it wakes me up.

All of the dreams where I get out of bed our talk or take any real physical action have the common theme of me being persecuted. I am not getting whipped or hurt, but I am getting stalked or something I care about is being damaged, hurt, or killed. The anxiety this causes makes me want to check to make sure everything is OK.

Ever since I can remember, my dreams have always been vivid, and feel so real. As a kid I would have recurring dreams in the exact same place and situation. They were not all bad or good dreams, just every few years, the same dreams would pop up again.

My biggest fear is that I am going to hurt someone. I also fear that I am going to fall or get hurt. I have good dreams most night as well.

Most mornings I wake up refreshed so I am not feeling exhausted. I love the good dreams. They are an unexpected gift that I relish the next day, especially the sexy ones.

I don't snore much according to my wife, so I don't think it is sleep apnea. I try to watch what I eat so I don't have acid reflux. I've tried sleeping on my side, back, stomach, with extra pillows, with no pillows. None of that helps. I have the problem when I am thin or thick.

Unless I sleep in different beds every night, I don't know what to do. I am getting tired of this, no pun intended. Is this something that can be treated or is it something I need to live with?


NOTE - Photos found without citations. I usually don't like to use uncredited photos, but these images were important for today's post.

Men at Forty... (Part 2)

Looking Down Upon Me
Photo by SB

An excerpt from Men at Forty by Donald Justice.

Men at forty
Learn to close softly
The doors to rooms they will not be
Coming back to.

So, here are some of the doors I want to close:

1. Caring so much what others think about me. What good am I to anybody if I am not myself. This does not give me a right to mistreat others though.
   
2. Taking care of everyone else at my own personal expense. I will help others, but I am no good if I don't take care of myself as well. This means health, wealth (not just money, but wealth of spirit, creativity, and other goods.), pleasure, and last, but not least, rest.
3. Sitting back and thinking that I am only one person and can not make a difference. A small difference is still a difference. I have to look at it like exercise (which you will see down the list). One pushup is not going to make me an athlete, but each pushup is making a small difference that culminates into a big difference over time. I am not going to sit back and accept 2257. I want to learn how to fight that piece of shit.
4. Accepting that I am past my prime. Screw that. I see the incredible works of Z and Dr. Lightness and feel like I am just starting to ripen. This includes my art, my soul, my love, my body (exercise), and other things that feed me and that I nourish others with.
   

So, I am slamming the doors shut to those prisons. I am sure I will revisit them in moments of doubt, but I need to shut them hard again after that.

Onto other things...

Last year, I finished watching the complete series of "The Sopranos." Call it my testosterone overloaded machismo, but that was the best TV show ever made. I didn't like every episode. I have a love hate feelings for Tony Soprano. Some episodes gave me nightmares. In the end though, the show made me think about life differently.

Too celebrate the show, I found the video below. It has every instance the characters said "shit" or "fuck" or some combination of those words. You don't have to watch it, because it is 27 minutes long! That is a lot "fucks" and "shits."

Below that is a spoof from Mad TV ripping on the idea of what it would look like if The Sopranos was on PAX TV (Christian channel).



the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

On the mend... and getting older

Oceano Dunes
Edward Weston

I am finally kicking the flu. I had to miss my class last night and regret it since it is a highlight of the week. I am glad that I feel much better since I am having a birthday party tomorrow night. I am turning 40... and it is not that bad. I think I got over my bitching and moaning a few weeks ago.

The downside of my week, other than having the flu, was reading more about 2257 and other censorship issues. I am really worried about the path our culture is heading down. It seems that the first changes are usually pretty innocuous, but chip away key rights one-at-a -time. They say it protects innocents, but then use over-arching tactics to leap frog over rights.

Last week in my photo class, the instructr showed one of my nude photos as well as Weston's, Bernharts, and other samples to show the spectrum of artistic nudes. Some of them celebrated the beauty of the human form, some were more controversial. We looked at one of Weston's nudes from his "Sand Dunes" series first. Within two second, some of the prudish people showed repulsion. I asked how they felt about it and one student said it was "porno and vulgar." I felt my anger start to rise, but I had to be a silent at that moment.

I asked a student who seemed to like the photo how she felt about it. She started to critique the use of shadow to outline the body, the levels of contrast, the composition, and other artistic elements. I was so proud of her. She then also mentioned how Weston looked at acknowledging the natural beauty of a human body by putting the model in a natural setting. I could have almost kissed her.

After the class, I thought about it a little. The student who did not like the work has the right to not like a photo. My job is to open that student's eyes to look at art with an open attitude. I may see a photo I don't like overall, but I try to be open enough to see what is good in it. I've mentioned my dislike of Anne Geddes work. While I am tired of her work and feel it has become a cliche, I do see she has a mastery of lighting, color design, exposure, and even composition. I just wish she would expand beyond babies with vegetables, or whatever she has laying around.

So, I am trying to keep an open mind as I hit my fourth decade. I have to admit, since meeting some great people through blogging, I am feeling pretty good. So, I raise my glass to the next decade and hope we all can celebrate our art and explore it to our heart's content.

Oceano Dunes
Edward Weston

"Which is another way of saying no one is."

Not one of mine. I don't know who took this photo, but it is truly special.

I watched The Incredibles last week. It is a fun movie with many great lessons. There is a part where the son Dash, whose super power is speed, is being told by his Mom (Helen) not to use his super power because he got in trouble at school for using it. (Unfortunately, I can not find a clip of it online.)

The Incredibles
Helen: Dash... this is the third time this year you've been sent to the office. We need to find a better outlet. A more... constructive outlet.
Dash: Maybe I could, if you'd let me go out for sports.
Helen: Honey, you know why we can't do that.
Dash: But I promise I'll slow up. I'll only be the best by a tiny bit.
Dash: Dashiell Robert Parr, you are an incredibly competitive boy, and a bit of a show-off. The last thing you need is temptation.
Dash: You always say 'Do your best', but you don't really mean it. Why can't I do the best that I can do?
Helen: Right now, honey, the world just wants us to fit in, and to fit in, we gotta be like everyone else.
Dash: But Dad always said our powers were nothing to be ashamed of, our powers made us special.
Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.
Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

The last three lines are very important, especially, "Everyone's special ... Which is another way of saying no one is." I have to agree with this. Why is it that everyone has to be honored as special all the time? I am very ordinary and I don't take offense if someone watches me run and does not compare me to an Olympic athlete. My ego will survive without the false praise.

The reason I am reflecting on this is based on something that happened in a class I am taking. In the photo class, we were holding a group critique. During the critique, all the students put up a series of photos and their peers and instructors review them.

I always try to find good things in a student's works and will offer feedback on how they may be improved. I will not say every photo is perfect though. One of the students thought I was a little harsh and should find the beauty in every photo. She felt I was hurting the student's self-esteem by not praising all of their work.

My belief is that a critique shows a few things to the presenter.
1. How others feel about your work.
2. What works in your art.
3. What does not work in your art.

All of these help you become a better artist by not just accepting your art, but to stretch and make it better. Sometimes we are blessed with creating the perfect art the first time, but that almost never happens.

Not every photo is art... or is special. If you go through my thousands of negatives and digital photos, you will find 98% of them are fair at best and shit for most. If they were all special, then none of them would be special.

After reading this post, I must swallow my pride a little. I just realized I did not accept a critique of my critique style. While I am not going to change my philosophy of the purpose of the critique, I am going to make sure my comments are respectful to the student even if they are not laudatory of their work.