Can't Go Back

Katie 110809 - 1
Photo by Karl

Six years ago this month I went into the woods to photograph Katie. You can read about our photo session here. That session yielded many great photos that I enjoy working with.

A few weeks ago I scanned all of the 35mm negatives from that day. A few days later, I took a drive through the Berkeley hills trying to find the location. I drove by it twice before finding it. After parking along the curvy road, I walked the thirty or forty yards to the location. My heart sank. Almost all of the trees have been cut down, the dead snarls removed, and the brush cleared out to reduce fire danger. I felt my heart sink because I wanted to sit there and reminisce on the session.

I've tried contacting Katie to see how she is doing and hope she would want to model again. Shortly after I photographed her, she transferred to UCLA and the trail disappears. I want to let that pursuit go. She has moved on with her life and I am honoring that.

Katie 110809 - 2
Photo by Karl

So, the model and the location have moved on. As I grow older, I am learning that I can't go back. Whenever I go to Montana, I am feeling it slip away as a home. I get the same feeling when I look at old photo albums from my high school and college years. So many of those people have children going to college now and we have all lived a whole life apart.

Last Tuesday, a friend that I had lost touch with in the last year died of prostate cancer at age 60. Angus entered hospice care in early October when his doctors said all treatments had lost efficacy.

I regret I spent more time trying to recapture a moment from six years ago than taking a moment to say goodbye to a friend. He was a good man with a kind heart. I am guessing that as time goes by, my memories of his infectious laugh and sparkling eyes will slip away as well.

A few years ago I heard a presentation from an eighty-something year old woman. Every year she swims a race from Alcatraz to San Francisco. The race is over a mile long in cool waters with a current pulling the swimmers out into the Pacific. She told us that during the race she flips over and backstrokes to rest and use other muscles. During that time she looks back at where she came from, Alcatraz. She has learned though if she becomes to fixated on it, the current will pull her off course, so she has to continually look around and forward again to keep her bearing. Before she ended her talk she gave me some of the best advice about living.

"It is OK to look back at the past, just don't stare."

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Photo note - A few unseen ones of Katie from that day. Angus was a photographer and appreciated beauty, including women. I feel he would have liked these photos.